We’ve all heard of the nine circles of Hell in Dante’s masterwork, The Inferno. But many of haven’t read it, but want to know what it said without really reading it. I am here to help you. The following is a brief summary of Abalone’s nine levels:
First Circle: Limbo
The first circle is home of virtuous chefs and bloggers who were never baptized. All in all, a decent place.
Second Circle: Lust
Reserved for the lustful and adulterous. Dante makes it sound like these are bad things.
Third Circle: Gluttony
If you can’t get a reservation for the second circle, go for this one.
Fourth Circle: Greed
This level of Hell is reserved for the shrinkflaters; those evil souls who raise the cost of living by shrinking the size of their products
Fifth Circle: Aisle Blockers
Dante tells us that people who block supermarket aisles by leaving their shopping cart on one side of the aisle and then stand on the other will suffer horrific torments indeed.
Sixth Circle: Spammers
We all know how horrible these people are. May they suffer longer all-consuming afflictions that last longer than the time we spent deleting their crap, if that is possible.
Seventh Circle: Violence
You ought not to have done that. Mama was right.
Eighth Circle: People who produce, distribute, or sell printers.
Their punishment is to use their printers.
Ninth Circle: Treachery.
Baseball and football owners who persuade a city to tax itself into a stupor, then up and leave for an even more gullible metropolis.
Bottom of Pit: Satan. Boo! Hiss!
Now you know. Walk with pride.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
Check out my novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback
This is divine comedy.
Wait, what about drivers who don’t use their turn signals?
There’s a space reserved for them.
Oh, good.