I’ve never been one to purchase a product based on a celebrity endorsement. If anything, it rankles me to think that I should put a nickel in the pocket of these rich and famous types, who, unless they have squandered the many millions of dollars their regular jobs pay them, are the last people to require a side hustle.
There are a few exceptions worth mentioning. Paul Newman in particular, only because I know the money I’m spending on the late actor’s line of grocery items is going to a good cause. The company donates all the after-tax profits to charities that help needy children – the number I have seen is six hundred million dollars raised since the Newman’s Own brand was launched in 1982. Rachael Ray is doing something similar for animals in need with some of the proceeds from her ‘Nutrish’ line of dog and cat foods. So it’s not all bad.
But now along comes Kevin Costner, hocking a line of coffee. Horizon Blend, advertised as “a smooth dark roast with strong earthy, smokey flavors that…embodies the bold and boundless spirit of the American West” (they know I’m just washing down my morning toast, right?). As if that weren’t enough, I am implored to “fix your eyes on the horizon as you take in every sip – as smooth as it is strong, the flavors lend true distinction to every cup, just like a certain someone brings true distinction to every role.” Damn, and me without my hipboots.
Nor is Kevin as altruistic as some of the afore-mentioned celebs, at least not so’s I can tell. While the hype peddlers gush that “this unique collaboration with an American icon is a symbol of mutual passion and a celebration of shared commitment to enriching the environment, caring for its people, and giving back to the communities,” a bit of internet research hasn’t revealed any indication of charitable efforts, beyond keeping a few coffee growers in a job. No, it looks like Kevin is just in it for the cash.
Then again, maybe he needs the cash. I’m no movie critic, but it’s been a while since he scored big at the box office. I mean, Field of Dreams was great and Dances With Wolves put some Hollywood hardware on his mantle, but what has he done in the intervening three plus decades? In my opinion, Waterworld was the celluloid equivalent of a turd in the punchbowl, while JFK just left me wondering what accent he was going for.
Speaking of accents, it’s long been rumored that his English dialect was so atrocious in Robin Hood that they had to re-shoot about a third of the movie after someone finally waved him off and told him to just do his normal voice. Which gave it a kind of Bull Durham meets Shakespeare feel. And then came The Postman, a muddled post-apocalyptic saga about a letter-carrier who goes above and beyond the call of duty (neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of nuclear winter…) that made me wish the Rooskies had had a few more ICBMs in their arsenal in order to finish the job. His track record in the new millennium has been even less notable.
Not that it matters, but I can’t figure out if this marketing ploy is a tie-in to his Yellowstone series (based on his picture on the box) or his latest cinematic effort, Horizon (based on the name), currently tanking on the streaming services. Maybe it’s both. Regardless, here I am, drinking his cowboy coffee. For that I will throw my wife under the bus – she bought it because it was a dark roast and it was on sale, our only criteria.
And now the bad news – I like it. With every sip I am captivated by its earthy, smokey flavors while my gaze is drawn inexorably to the horizon. Do I like it enough to put another nickel in Kev’s pocket every time I’m jonesing for a cup of joe? Well, maybe if this side hustle can keep his mortgage paid so he doesn’t have to make another crappy movie…