Giving “War and Peace” to Viruses and Bacteria

I hate viruses and bacteria. They gave me Covid. This is in clear contravention of the tacit treaty that I don’t attack them and they don’t attack me.

Yet here we are, I’ve been as a sick as a dog and am taking forever to get better.

The gloves are off. I shall be using my brain to get back at them.

I shall shrink billions and billions of copies of War and Peace to molecular size. I shall put these tiny books into pills, just like we do with antibiotics.

Covid19s are voracious readers, they’ve just never given the chance to ready anything. (Clearly, this is a great, untapped market for the major publishing houses.)

Anyway, I call tell you that War and Peace is tremendously hard to plow all the way through,

Imagine then, how hard it would be and how long it take for the Corona19 virus to read that lengthy novel. Prima facie evidence suggests our brain is much bigger than that of the evil virus. Take this simple test: Look in a mirror. You can see your head at first glance. Assume you brain is surrounded by an inch of skull. Logic then dictates your brain must be inches long in all directions. Consider the virus. You can’t see it with the unaided eye. You can’t even see it with that Mr. Professor microscope you gave your five-year old for Christmas. No, you need a super-duper microscope used by the biggest-research facilities.

So, the virus must be incredibly tiny. Only part of the virus is reserved for its brain. Then take away the virus’ skull from that and you’re left with a really itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny virus brain. A brain that small must make reading War and Peace a frightfully slow slog for Joe Virus.

Now here’s the genius of my plan. No virus, or bacterium for that matter, is going live long enough to finish War and Peace. Indeed, it will be so busy trying to read the great Russian novel, that it won’t find anybody to infect in its short lifetime. Infections will drop to zero. Viruses already in a human host will be too engrossed to further attack any more human cells. The human host will stage a rapid recovery.

Thus, by this literary assault, Covid19 will disappear overnight. We just need to print and miniaturize billions, if not trillions of copies of War and Peace. They need not be first editions, any printing will do.

I see a Nobel Prize in my future.


– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.


Check out my novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback.

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