Serbian Pljeskavica

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INGREDIENTS

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1 garlic clove

1 large onion (1 small one later)

2 tablespoons olive oil or vegetable oil

1 pound ground beef

¾ pound ground pork

1 teaspoon Spanish paprika or paprika

no-stick spray

8 pita loaves*

some kajmak** (optional)

some ajvar*** (optional)

1 green onion

1 small onion

your favorite condiments.****

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* = Lepinje buns are more authentic, but also very hard to find.

** = Can be found online. Substitutes are crème fraîche, crema Mexicana, sour cream, or clotted cream

*** = Can be found online. Substitutes are baba ganoush, chili oil, or relish made with bell peppers and eggplant

**** = Kajmak, ajvar, onion are the most authentic condiments for a Serbian. However, red onions, cabbage, pickles, cucumbers, and lettuce are used sometimes.

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Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

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PREPARATION

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Mince garlic clove and 1 large onion. Add garlic, onion and olive oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add minced garlic and onion, ground beef, ground pork, and Spanish paprika to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide meat into 4 portions. Flatten meat portions until they are 6″ wide patties. Cover and let cool in refrigerator for 45 minutes.

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Spray pan with no-stick pray. Add patty to pan. Fry each patty at medium heat for 4 minutes. Flip patty and cook on low-medium for 4 minutes. Repeat for each patty . Put patty on pita loaf. Spread kajmak and ajvar as desired on patty. Thinly slice green onion and small onion. Place ¼ of the onion slices on kajmak and ajvar. Sprinkle with ¼ of the green onion. Top with 2nd pita loaf. Repeat 3 more times.

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TIDBITS

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1) Pljeskavica is pronounced just like it looks.

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2) Just like hot dog is pronounced, “hot dog.”

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3) Of course, pljeskavica is an anagram for “java pickles.”

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4) If you haven’t heard of java pickles, it’s because they’re not wildly popular.

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5) Or even popular at all.

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6) To make java pickles, add coffee grounds to the coffee filter.

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7) Then instead of water, pour pickle brine into the coffee maker’s reservoir.

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8) Turn on your coffee maker and wait.

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9) Take your java pickles to your next potluck.

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10) You won’t be asked to bring anything ever again.

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11) The moral of all this, is that there are some anagrams people aren’t meant to create.

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12) Better to search for lepinje buns. This quest would keep you off the streets where you’d only foment revolution.

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13) And why can’t we have lepinje delivered to our home?

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14) Of course, you could try the superbly efficient AmazonTM to send some to your home.

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15) What’s this? Amazon has no lepinje!

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16) Why can’t we have a lepinje truck cruising the neighborhood everyday? The truck would play pleasant Serbian folk tunes, so we’d know the lepinje man was on his way.

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17) And while we’re at it, why not have the truck carry bread, carry bread from all over the world?

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18) And herbs from all over the world? One herb can only be found in desolate areas of northwestern China and rarely at that. And let me tell you, the Chinese police and military frown on such unsupervised activities. “But Colonel, I was only looking for a rare herb,” you’d say. The official’s reply would surely be, “Like, I’ve never heard that one before.” And you’d go to a Chinese prison.

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19) Since incarceration is bad, we’ll have to hold out for a local bread and herb truck.

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20) And add spices and produce. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t have the right bread, herb,  spice, or produce. “You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one,” John Lennon. Let’s make that truck so. Let’s turn our street into a culinary garden of Eden.

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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.