“J. D. Vance has damaged the future of every underprivileged Appalachian child in America who dares to dream of attending Yale Law School someday.” Those are the words of the school’s dean, Heather Gerken. “His 2021 remarks about ‘childless cat ladies’ on Fox News are so hurtful, they have undermined the credibility of our Hillbilly Scholarship Program, the one that enabled Mr. Vance to attend Yale. Accordingly, we have decided to put the program on hold for at least the next three years.”
“It is true that Mr. Vance contributed mightily to our Law School community when he was here, given that he was the only student who knew how to make moonshine in a toilet bowl from aftershave lotion. But he was also a mean, nasty sumbitch. So different from Brett Kavanaugh, another one of our graduates, who was the quintessential good-time frat-bro. Sure, the female students nicknamed Brett ‘Mister Handsy’, but a swift kick to the crotch would always calm him down.
“Where Mr. Vance is concerned, we at Yale would like to take this opportunity to apologize for unleashing him on the American public. We are so, so sorry that we gave a J. D. to J. D.”