The UN’s loss is the Ivy League’s gain.
Just days after withdrawing his nomination of New York Representative Elise Stefanik for the post of U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, President Donald J. Trump has appointed her President of Columbia University. This action follows the recent resignation of the school’s interim leader, Katrina Armstrong.
“It was a stroke of genius on my part,” claims the President. “People thought I was punishing Elise when I took her out of the running for the UN position. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just did that so she could serve our country in a much more vital way: rescuing Columbia from the lunatic left that has taken over the institution. She’s got a degree from Harvard, so this little lady knows how to deal with the Ivy League. Elise will fix everything in a semester, if not sooner. This is going to be so, so great.”
When a reporter informed Trump that the principle of eminent domain does not give him the authority to appoint a university president, he disagreed: “I’m the President of the United States, and Columbia is in the United States, so it’s in my domain. Duh.”
A member of Columbia’s Board of Trustees, who wished to remain anonymous, acknowledged that the President had attended a meeting of the group to gain their consent: “It wasn’t so bad. One by one we all bent over, and before you could ask, ‘Will you buy me a drink later?’ it was ‘mission accomplished’. Sure, it hurt a bit at first, but as my son the prison guard is fond of saying, ‘there’s always a little pain when implementing eminent domain’.