Biblical scholars were not surprised on January 20th when, at noon, a brutal Arctic blast shattered every window in the Capitol Rotunda — enshrouding the attendees in a thick coating of sulfuric ice — as Donald J. Trump was being sworn in as President of the United States for the second time.
According to Professor Thaddeus Graelin at Princeton Theological Seminary, the First Epistle to the Corinthians clearly states that “Hell will freeze over when a man of orange returns to the Mid-Atlantic swamp to assume a place of dominion over the people” (15:3).
“This is just the beginning,” Graelin claims. “In the months to come there will be locusts. Hordes of locusts. And lots of propulsive bleeding — from every human orifice you can imagine, and some you can’t.
“Do not complain. You voted for this.”