Los Angeles, CA – After years of research and observation, anthropologists have concluded that celebrities are no longer human but a distinct evolutionary offshoot that survives entirely on attention, brand deals, proper lighting, and Botox.
“They share about 93% of their DNA with humans—right between dolphins and the Kardashians,” explained Dr. Felicity Fandom, head of the new field of Celebritology. “Their survival instincts are fascinating—when faced with adversity, they start doing infomercials.”
Researchers discovered that celebrities exhibit behaviors impossible for humans, such as aging backward after turning 40 and pretending to be relatable while posting selfies from their private planes and yachts.
“The future superstar species of celebrity are born with their own pediatrician, plastic surgeon, stylist, and acting coach. From the time they are in diapers, they know how to play to a camera,” said Dr. Fandom. “They can wet, drool, scream, and cry on cue.”
Dr. Fandom told our reporter that during her research, she learned of a superstar who began giving interviews to People magazine in utero. “From the moment of delivery, they are auditioning for their first role,” Fandom said. “Some celebrities display the method-acting characteristic. At two years old, Leonardo DiCaprio refused to bathe or change his diaper because he wanted to play a homeless baby.”
“This superstar subset of celebrities carries a dominant gene that gives them characteristics other stars don’t possess. The ‘A-Listers’ begin to shed their skin at 40. That’s how stars like Paul Rudd, Jennifer Aniston, and Halle Berry never seem to age,” said Fandom. “Much like a snake, they slough off their entire first two layers of skin—the epidermis and the dermis.”
“While these celebrities go into their ‘pupal stage,’ they take to hibernation, usually at a secluded resort in places like Saint Barts, Lake Como, or Aspen,” said Tomas Tucked, plastic surgeon for the stars.
According to Tucked, the shed skin is vacuum-sealed and saved for later, when the pupal stage is harder to recover from after age 69. “We can glue and sew it back on, and that’s when you’ll see your Hollywood favorite become a living Picasso painting.”
“Donatella Versace has had her skin pulled so tight she came to me and asked why she had bags under her eyes. I told her they weren’t bags; they were her boobs,” Tucked told a reporter for TMZ.
“Mega-stars like Michael Jackson can force their skin shedding to occur at any time. He shed his skin every six months until he removed his natural skin color. He wore more faces than the contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race,” Tucked said.
“In my research, I found documentation that Jackson gifted some of his skin to Janet and LaToya, and they both wound up with his nose,” Fandom said.
The species’ daily rituals confound ordinary citizens. “Why does she get paid millions to wear a dress once or say she drinks Pepsi?” asked Samantha Semester, a teacher. “I wore the same pair of pants for a week and drank a case of Dr Pepper, and all I got was a nasty email from HR and excessive bloating.”
Experts report that celebrities are increasingly dependent on their natural habitats: award shows, talk shows, movie and TV sets, reality competitions, and anywhere paparazzi happen to be waiting. When deprived of these environments, they may attempt crazy survival tactics such as naming their child after inanimate objects, buying and selling multimillion-dollar homes because they don’t feel ten bathrooms are enough, or appearing on Dancing with the Stars.
Still, despite their alien ways, the public can’t look away. “They are sparkly and mysterious,” Fandom admitted. “Researchers will continue to study them in the tabloids, documentaries, award acceptance speeches, and leaked sex tapes until the end of time.”
The federal government is reviewing whether celebrities should be protected under the Endangered Species Act or simply allowed to fade from popularity after their Netflix series is canceled.
Until a decision is made, Fandom recommends keeping a safe distance from any celebrities spotted in the wild. “Do not make eye contact or any sudden movements, like approaching one for an autograph or selfie. Their bodyguards have been known to attack. Limbs have been lost and lawsuits filed,” Fandom advised. “Admire them from afar—that’s why they are called stars.”
This might make more sense than anything I’ve read this year.