Trump Takes Over North Pole Making It The 51st State. Toy Making Industry Moved to Vietnam Where Wages are Cheaper.
Dictator At Large Trump has used the American Air Force, Navy and Marines in a surprise assault on the North Pole to take it over under the claim that it was for ‘strategic purposes’. Having no defense system to fight against they quickly took control of the small area. Santa Claus, the unofficial ‘King’ of the North Pole, was put under house arrest along with Mrs. Claus by ICE agents using the unique excuse that they were white people illegally living in an area belonging to Eskimos and elves. The Helper Elves were all laid off and had to live in ice caves and eat snow to survive. Trump immediately declared himself the Supreme Leader of the country and moved all the toy manufacturing to Vietnam where wages are cheaper. He then threatened Vietnam NOT to charge any tariffs on the finished products ‘OR ELSE!”. Unfortunately there was no one around who could translate ‘tariffs’ into anything the Vietnamese managers could understand.
A reporter managed to speak with Mr. Claus before he was hauled away by ICE officers wearing masks both against having their kids finding out what jerks they were for arresting Santa Claus and against the frigid North Pole weather. Claus stated as he was dragged away in hand-cuffs “I don’t know why they are doing this! Especially right now.! It is only a few days before Christmas and I need to get all these gifts delivered! How could they do this to me AND to all the little kids in the world who depend on me!” Apparently there weren’t any newspapers and lousy Internet service at the North Pole for Mr. Clause to know that this was standard procedure for Mr. Trump. Santa and Mrs. Claus were then roughly shoved away and stuffed into an Arctic Cat sled van for delivery to the nearest igloo jail.
When questioned by reporters over this incident, Predator Trump stated “We have had this Claus guy on our sights for some time! Just the name ‘Claus‘ itself smacks of being an illegal foreigner! And I think all this ‘gift giving’ is just a big front for drug smuggling and a path to Socialism! Whoever in our wonderful Capitalistic system would just give toys away? This is not the American Way at all! The true American Way is to make people pay as much for stuff as you can and to charge as much as you can get away with! Believe me, I know this stuff! I have been doing that my whole life!”
“Just look how this character jingles his way all over the world in just a single night! Why, this guy could be the biggest drug kingpin there is! We don’t know what he could have in all those packages. They could be tons of fentanyl or heroin! Or maybe even cocaine- I will have to have my boy Donald Junior have a look at these things- he is an expert on cocaine!”
“We will have to go over each and every one of these packages at taxpayer expense to make sure they aren’t just nose candy for the druggies to inhale! And just look at Mr. Santa- he’s looking pretty well fed and blubbery; not an example of sleek super-humanness like I am! He seems like he has been living the fat life for quite a while!”
Meanwhile a contingent of elves have assembled a guerilla gang intent on taking back their place of work. They have opened cartons of alleged Christmas gifts sent by Putin to his spies and diplomats throughout the world and gotten an armada of guns, bombs and other nasty accessories to battle the invaders with. They also made their own patriotic banner depicting a polar bear eating Trump to wave them on to victory. They have the advantage of knowing the lay of the land……or rather of the snow covering the land beneath them. They have also intercepted the enormous amount of donations, food, gifts and grifts Trump’s followers have bestowed upon him for being their blessed Leader and Fuhrer. This includes naked photos of his female MAGA followers (including Kristi Noem and Lauren Boebert that the writer is keeping for himself) that the Munchkins are going to use to raise money through blackmail, gifts of gold items from Saudi and other Middle-Eastern princes, and donations of every currency possible from billionaires the world over hoping to get a cut of the action from Trump.
Trump already had work crews building a runway so that he can fly there in his Qatari super-plane to make a royal entrance. Expected to attend are two large herds of reindeer, several musk oxen and a number of polar bears who have heard that there is going to be a big meat banquet coming in by plane. Several have already claimed dibs on Donald……