“It’s the least I could do,” President Donald J. Trump told reporters on Monday after he appointed himself Interim Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. “Pope Francis died shortly after meeting with JD Vance, who’s my guy, so I feel responsible. JD can have that effect on people. They talk with him and then immediately lose the will to live. It’s a terrible thing, the effect he has. His wife Usha tells me that she and the three kids sniff a tub of glue every night before dinner with him, just to get through the meal. It’s that bad, talking with JD. So very, very bad.
“I’m going to ask Matt Gaetz to serve as my Vice Pope; I owe him something after that Attorney-General-nomination fiasco. Matt should be good at helping the Church juggle all those lawsuits involving priests and kids, since he’s had a lot of experience with minors, if you know what I mean.
“As Interim Pope I’ll be doing terrific things for the Church. Just wait and see. I’m not Catholic, but I don’t need to be. Organized religion is all about using power and control to build an empire, and that’s my specialty. With its massive fortune, there’s no excuse for Vatican City being the smallest country on the planet. The Church should have annexed all of Italy by now, and that’s just for starters.
“I can work with God the Father to make it happen. Heck, I’m even willing to work with his son Jesus, but I must admit I have doubts. What sort of person lets himself get nailed to a cross and crucified? Sounds a lot like John McCain and his career as a Vietnam POW. Man up, for Pete’s sake!
“Reminds me of my boys Eric and Don Jr. What a colossal waste of DNA they are. I’ll take Melania and Kristi Noem over them in a knife fight any day.”