Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about Ex-NFL pro Matt Kahil’s penis size, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ex-NFL pro Matt Kalil sues ex-wife Haley for saying his penis size ended their marriage
No word yet if the evidence is circumcisional.
Maduro party still ruling Venezuela
That’s like arresting Jeffrey Epstein and giving his shift at Chuck E. Cheese to Matt Gaetz.
Exxon CEO calls Venezuela ‘uninvestable’ without ‘significant changes’
In the old days, that would be called an Esso S.
Judge rules that a fifth federal prosecutor appointed by Pam Bondi is serving unlawfully
Pretty soon it’ll just be Pam and Kash in the ‘Department of Just Us.’
Tony Dokoupil stumbles, stammers through segment transition during ‘CBS Evening News’ debut
Sounds like he might be a DUI hire.
Kendall Jenner claims she’s NEVER had plastic surgery
Because her face doesn’t move, it’s hard to tell if she lying …
Boss of bombed Ukrainian vodka maker seeks to expand exports
… While headline writers say, “thank you” for being able to use bombed and vodka in same headline.
Happy 43rd birthday, Kim Jong Un
… Although, you might want to change your name to Kim Not So Jong Un.
Nobel Institute says Peace Prize cannot be transferred after Machado suggestion
No word if Trump can trade his FIFA Peace Prize, 16 Trump Property Golf Championships, and Eric for it.
4-year-old brought 250 packets of heroin to pre-school
Parent: Oh, you said ‘your turn to bring snacks’ not smack.
President says a ‘tremendous amount of money’ will need to be spent repairing Venezuela infrastructure
Expect a plan in dos semanas …
How sudden cabin depressurization affects air crash victims
Uh, I’m guessing, adversely.
Keith Urban reportedly having ‘serious regrets’ about Nicole Kidman’s divorce after reports she’s getting ‘close’ to her former heartthrob costar
… Sounds like someone wants some Urban renewal.
Employers added 50,000 jobs in December, capping a year of weak hiring
… Almost all of which went to Marco Rubio.