Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about RFK Jr. wanting chains to prove they serve “safe drinks,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon. Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
RFK Jr. says he wants Dunkin’ and Starbucks to prove they serve “safe drinks”
I’m betting Junior’s still pissed they sell bear claws that aren’t actual bear claws.
Larry Summers out at Harvard
Looks like guys that dropped their flies are now dropping like flies.
Salmon caught near Seattle are full of cocaine and antidepressants
And, that’s why restaurants price them by the gram.
Trump’s strikes on Iran could cost American economy as much as $210 billion
It seems Trump is suffering from No Attention to the Deficit Disorder.
Man attacked by 300-pound alligator thought it was dead
Or … one of Shaquille O’Neal’s shoes.
Iran apologized to its neighbors for bombing them
Your turn, you makers of the Melania movie.
Arman Tsarukyan ignites massive brawl after punching Georgio Poullas
… Probably over whose name should be final spelling bee word.
EU and India clinch ‘mother of all deals’ in rebuff to Trump
Shouldn’t that be the Mother Theresa of all deals?’
Keith Urban facing another breakup, weeks after finalizing his divorce
Dude’s one dead dog away from releasing a new double country album.
Trump’s White House ballroom is too big, architect says, as 2nd panel prepares to vote on it
You know what they say, big ballroom, small …
Super Bowl halftime show, Bad Bunny’s halftime performance brought in 4.157 billion views globally
So, the only way to stop a Bad Bunny isn’t with Kid Rock.
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin to replace Kristie Noem as DHS Secretary
Wasn’t Markwayne the guy who also replaced MarkyMark?
International Women Day and spring forward time fall on same day
So International Women Day is literally shorter than a regular day.
US Loses 92,000 jobs
… 92,002 because, y’know, Kristie Noem and Corey Lewandowsky …