Shoot Out at the J Lazy P

“Damn it Jackson, hold that bastard down!”    Coot tied a quick half hooey and put the J Lazy G brand on the calf.

Cooter T. Barneson was the ranch boss at the J Lazy G.  He worked the high summer pastures in Wyoming.  He had a crew of twelve seasoned oldtimers working with him.  However, Jackson, TW, and Dex, and a drifter named Idaho  were his experienced cowboys.   Jackson was a short fellow who loved his Jack Daniels.  He always had a pint of the stuff shoved in his back pocket.  TW, short for Tobias Woss, was literally born in the saddle.  Both his mother and father worked for the Lazy G.  Dex was Tobias’s older son who wanted nothing to do with ranching but TW was determined to make a decent cowhand out of him.  Idaho joined up last spring during the calving season to help wean the older calves from their mommas.  “Now that’s a lousy job!  Getting kicked, bit and snorted on by two hundred pounds of young prime beef can get damn old after a week or two.”  But it was part of the job and Idaho was happy to oblige.  Plus, it was free room and board and pocket money for his chewing tobacco.

One Saturday evening after branding Coot treated the cowhands to a little drinking and dancing.  The boys headed into town, met up with some purty ladies and celebrated a hard week’s work.  About 1: am Coot gathered up his crew and headed back to the ranch.  Them boys were drunk as skunks on loco weed.  On their way back they were so liquored up they got lost.  Dex started whining about how he would miss his chance to say goodbye to his horny girlfriend Josie who was leaving for Tucumcari, New Mexico in the morning.  TW knew his wife would be livid if he missed Sunday church service.  Jackson and Idaho didn’t give a shit.  They had no one to worry about them, so they kept drinking.  Idaho and Jackson started singing or should I say howling, Johnny Cash’s, “Ring of Fire” .  It annoyed Coot so much he shot a few rounds over their heads.  It just made them sing louder.

“I Fell Into A Burning Ring of Fire, I Went Down, Down, Down, and the Flames Went Higher”
“And It Burns, Burns, Burns, the Ring of Fire, the Ring of Fire”

At the end of the second verse Dex spotted a light in the distance. It was the bunkhouse.  He kicked his horse into full gallop and headed towards the ranch.  The others quickly caught up with him.  Jackson and Idaho drank so much they had to take a serious leak.  Both men stumbling to the single outhouse located beside the small corral.  Jackson started running and pulling down to his pants, while Idaho fell onto the door. Jackson pushed Idaho out of the way and locked himself inside.  He sat down to take what men call a long lazy pee.  Idaho decided to hurry Jackson along.  He pulled out his six-shooter and began blasting holes in the side of the outhouse! 

Jackson hollered, “Stop shooting at me you crazy ass son-of-a-bitch!  You almost shot off my fucking piss-slinger!” 

Idaho kept shooting until Jackson jumped out of the outhouse with his wet pants hanging around his ankles.  Idaho was laughing so hard he proceeded to pee all over Jackson’s boots. Jackson got so angry he grabbed a Lazy G branding iron and swore he would ram it up Idaho’s  ass for ruining his boots.

By this time the entire ranch was awake and had gathered outside to see what all the commotion was about.  The sight of Jackson and Idaho fighting in the dust with their piss soaked pants hanging down was hysterical.  It took the entire ranch crew to break up the fight!

The next morning after both men had the chance to sleep it off Coot came by the bunkhouse holding two branding irons.  He called them over by the outhouse and presented one to Jackson and the other to Idaho.  They noticed the new brand on the door of the outhouse.  It was a J with a P turned side-ways with the words, ‘Shoot Out at the J Lazy Pee’ burned into the wood. Coot said it was a gift from the ranch hands as a reminder of their infamous gunfight. 

Now, truth-be-told, this shoot out never happened – as such.  But it sure makes one hell of a great campfire story!

p.s. Okay, I know most of you greenhorns are asking What’s a half-hooey?