Everyone has life accomplishments they’re proud of. Some are amazing like playing a perfect round of golf never having played the game, parking a 18-wheeler in a spot designated for compact vehicles, trying on your summer clothing in May and discovering that you’ve dropped two sizes since last summer.
I’m personally proud that I can lift heavy objects with my toes and flare my nostrils to the tune of, It’s a Small World After All. My friend Bernie can hold a bowling ball between his knees and roll it down the lane scoring strike after strike while drinking a beer through his nose. These stunts, no matter how idiotic are memorable – proudly displayed on our highlight reel of life. Nonetheless, here are a few “Nothing to Be Proud Of” golden moments, never to be repeated again.
- Betting your friends you can catch a firecracker in your pants and blowing off part of your penis. This might sound like fun for about 3 seconds until the sudden explode. The reality of having a stump for a penis is nothing to brag about. Just ask any female over the age of 18-years-old – absolutely nothing to be proud of.
- Using a cordless electric drill to clean your ears. It may feel good for a minute or two but as it works its way through your skull and soft brain tissue you may want to keep this proud moment to yourself.
- Bragging about scoring the last piece of chocolate out of a vending machine with six PMS and menopausal women are standing behind you. This winning moment is just asking to have your ass kicked in front of your weekend warrior buddies – again, not one damn thing to be proud of.
- Saying, “Yo’ bitch” to a nun during catechism. Not only is this statement absolutely nothing be proud of, you’re going to rot and burn in agonizing hell fire, rolling and yowling in pain throughout eternity, while Sister Mary Claire grabs her crotch and says, “I got your Yo’ bitch right here pal, now drop and give me 1000 hail Marys!”
- On a dare you paint your entire body green to look like the Hulk only to find that it’s the permanent green military paint they use on nuclear submarines and battleships that’s made to last 30-40 years. Huge Hulkin’ oops!
Proud moments . . . I don’t think so!