The PBS Menace

As you’re probably aware of by now, during last week’s presidential debate, Mitt Romney said that if elected he would cut the funding for PBS. Even though he likes Big Bird and the dead guy who moderated who also has a show on PBS. Well, all I can say is bravo, Mr. Romney. Finally, a candidate who has the balls to do what needs to be done. Sure, Obama rid the world of Bin Laden but what good did that really do? Romney is going to rid us of Big Bird.

What do we really know about Big Bird? First off, if normal sized birds carry horrible diseases one can only imagine what an eight foot bird has going on down there. Sure, he seems nice but I’ve seen enough Family Guy to know that giant birds are dangerous creatures that are not only violent but hand out expired coupons.

And what about his name? Big Bird. That’s not even a name, it’s a description. Do you know what kind of name Big Bird is? The name of a sleeper cell member who sucks at coming up with an American-sounding name for a cover. Just like when you call those 800 numbers for help and the guy with the thick Indian accent says his name is Billy Ray Bob.

Then there’s Sesame Street itself. Sure, you think it’s teaching your kids to read and write but it’s just shoving harmful propaganda down their little, juice box loving throats. Case in point: One of the show’s most popular segments is “One of These Things Is Not Like The Other, One of These Things Doesn’t Belong.” What’s that about? Why can’t the car hang out with the vegetables? Sounds like segregation to me. They may promote it with a cheerful song I can’t get out of my head to this day but that doesn’t make it any less wrong.

Obama wants to end unemployment but Romney will end those annoying pledge drives. That’s the only time PBS has anything good on anyway. Let’s be honest, it’s the only time any of us watch it. It’s bad enough they take a two hour program and stretch it into six but then they cut it off at the best part and demand a donation from you before they’ll continue. You know what that donation is, don’t you? A fancy word for ransom. Oh, sure, you get a “gift” in return but they’re still holding you hostage.

And what about those so-called gifts? The prices for them are ten times higher than their retail value. And it’s always crappy merchandise. It’s like when you were in grade school and had to sell candy for the fund drive. You sold 100 boxes thinking you’d get a bike but instead got some cheap plastic Cracker Jack reject prize.

That’s why I say it’s time to get rid of this PBS menace once and for all. Because if we live in a country where you have to pay $200 for a tote bag just to keep Downton Abbey on the air, then the terrorists win.