Tips for the Married Woman on Picking up Guys | HumorOutcasts

Tips for the Married Woman on Picking up Guys

October 18, 2013

As America’s foremost authority on picking up chicks, I have shared my expertise with readers through a pair of articles lifelong chick picker-upper Hugh Hefner once referred to as “what articles?” because he’s never read them. But I’m pretty sure if Hef were to read these two masterpieces, Tips for the Married Man on Picking up Chicks and More Tips for the Married Man on Picking up Chicks, he would include them within the pages of Playboy and then maybe invite me to his mansion where I’d be surrounded by dozens of playmates all wanting me, leading to a big, ugly catfight with naked, large-breasted young ladies wrestling in mud—or maybe in a giant tub of chocolate pudding!—pulling hair, and scratching, and getting all slippery and slimy and then having to take a big group shower. So whew, dodged that bullet!

Hef may not have read my articles, but ones of tens of people have and one of them responded to the latter of my two articles with the following challenge:

“I triple-dog dare you to turn around now and write some advice to women about picking up guys, preferably the kind who look like romance novel illustrations!”

Now that’s one hell of a challenge considering I am not, nor have I ever been, a woman. And I would never under any circumstances try to pick up guys because, quite frankly, men are disgusting pigs who fart and scratch their balls. Women, on the other hand, are different from men in ways far too numerous to list here, but here’s my favorite one: women have tits.

But anyone who knows me can tell you that I have never backed away from a triple-dog dare which, by the way, explains how I ended up with a tattoo on my ass of Michele Bachmann wearing a strap-on dildo.

So listen and take notes, ladies, as I present to you tips for the married woman on picking up guys.

Tip #1 – When you see a guy you are attracted to, ask him if he’d like a blowjob.

That should pretty much do it.

Frank Mucci

People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2015 and winner of the 2013 Nobel Prize for Literature, Frank likes to make up shit about himself and state it as fact.

Here’s some actual NOT made up shit about Frank: He is the author of “An Incurable Disease: Memories, Observations and Ravings from a Baby Boomer Cub Fan,” available in print and for Kindle at

More Posts - Facebook

Share this Post:

Tags: , ,

4 Responses to Tips for the Married Woman on Picking up Guys

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    October 24, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    This post has made the “Popular Posts This Week” list. Aren’t you glad now that I dared you to write it? 😀

  2. Kathy Minicozzi
    October 19, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    Touche! LOL!

  3. October 19, 2013 at 8:49 am

    wise and subtle tips Frank! 🙂

  4. October 19, 2013 at 7:14 am

    You do have potential to win this triple-dog-dare with advice like that

User Login

New Release
How to Write and Share Humor
By Donna Cavanagh Published by HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
Boomer on the Ledge
By Molly Stevens and HumorOutcasts Press

Available in Paperback and Kindle

New Release
Heartly God?
By Wil 3. and Shorehouse Books

Available in Paperback and Kindle