Those of you who followed my fabulous writing career over at that vast wasteland formerly known as Associated Content probably remember an article I wrote a few years ago called Tips for the Married Man on Picking up Chicks. In fact I’m sure many of you go back and reread it often because, let’s face it, I’m so fucking funny. But included within all of that incredible wit are some pointers that undoubtedly helped some of you poor bastards get laid, which is no easy task considering most men are pretty ugly.
Despite the wild success of that article (it continues to rank among the most viewed articles I’ve ever written, which gives you an idea of how many married men are assholes looking for a little something on the side) I have been bombarded over the past several months with emails from many of my fans asking that I provide more tips on picking up chicks because, apparently, these guys are such losers, the tips from the previous article didn’t work for them.
So once again drawing on my extensive experience of being a happily married man who pretends he knows what women want, I bring you more tips on how to pick up chicks who are not legally bound to have sex with you.
Trim the hedges
It’s a well-documented fact that most men smell like crap. This is because we have external plumbing that, if not washed hourly, develops an unpleasant cheesy odor. This is due in large part to pubic hair which absorbs sweat and farts and other disgusting manly emissions. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have time to duck into a men’s room every hour to scrub our business. The answer is simple: remove the shrubbery and let those emissions waft off freely into the atmosphere where you can blame some other poor bastard hoping to get laid.
Don’t tweet your junk
Since Twitter came along, “tweeting your junk” has taken on a whole new meaning. I mean what guy from the age of puberty on hasn’t tweeted his junk about a million times? But now if you do it, you are putting it out there for the whole world to see—just ask Anthony Weiner and Brett Favre. Recent studies have shown that one hundred percent of women don’t want to see your junk, and by “your junk,” I mean specifically your junk. So keep it a mystery guys. Zip up and wait to spring it on her when she’s too drunk to make rational decisions.
Pretend you’re gay
This one may seem a little extreme, but hear me out. One of the best ways to pick up a woman is to be unthreatening to her, and who’s less threatening to a straight woman than a gay guy? It is widely known that straight women and gay men make best of friends because they have a lot in common and the possibility of sex is zero—at least in the beginning. Then one night you’re at her place drinking lots of wine and watching Glee or Project Runway or some shit like that and suddenly she’s thinking maybe she has what it takes to turn you into the man of her dreams: sensitive and straight. Of course, you could never be the man of her dreams because while you are straight, you are not sensitive at all but rather a scheming, married son of a bitch just looking to get a little strange on the side. So after she gives herself up to you that one drunken night, you tell her it’s no use, you’re gay and there’s no changing that. Granted this scheme will take months, maybe years to develop, but it’ll be well worth it in the end.
Tell women you have an open marriage
For those of you who don’t know what an open marriage is, it’s an arrangement between husband and wife where the husband tells other women he is free to have sex with them because he is in an open marriage. Caution: This type of arrangement only works if the wife is unaware of the arrangement.
Ask your wife for permission to see other women
Sometimes the easy answer to a difficult problem is right there in front of you. So if you think you happen to be married to the kind of woman who only exists in my imagination, give this one a try…
… and duck.