Tips for the Married Woman on Picking up Guys

As America’s foremost authority on picking up chicks, I have shared my expertise with readers through a pair of articles lifelong chick picker-upper Hugh Hefner once referred to as “what articles?” because he’s never read them. But I’m pretty sure if Hef were to read these two masterpieces, Tips for the Married Man on Picking up Chicks and More Tips for the Married Man on Picking up Chicks, he would include them within the pages of Playboy and then maybe invite me to his mansion where I’d be surrounded by dozens of playmates all wanting me, leading to a big, ugly catfight with naked, large-breasted young ladies wrestling in mud—or maybe in a giant tub of chocolate pudding!—pulling hair, and scratching, and getting all slippery and slimy and then having to take a big group shower. So whew, dodged that bullet!

Hef may not have read my articles, but ones of tens of people have and one of them responded to the latter of my two articles with the following challenge:

“I triple-dog dare you to turn around now and write some advice to women about picking up guys, preferably the kind who look like romance novel illustrations!”

Now that’s one hell of a challenge considering I am not, nor have I ever been, a woman. And I would never under any circumstances try to pick up guys because, quite frankly, men are disgusting pigs who fart and scratch their balls. Women, on the other hand, are different from men in ways far too numerous to list here, but here’s my favorite one: women have tits.

But anyone who knows me can tell you that I have never backed away from a triple-dog dare which, by the way, explains how I ended up with a tattoo on my ass of Michele Bachmann wearing a strap-on dildo.

So listen and take notes, ladies, as I present to you tips for the married woman on picking up guys.

Tip #1 – When you see a guy you are attracted to, ask him if he’d like a blowjob.

That should pretty much do it.