My wife accused me of doing nothing all day. It’s like she thinks all of these empty beer cans drank themselves.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013
You’re the most likely to be murdered by someone you know, so I make it a point not to know anyone. Safety first.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013
My wife: “Is there anything about my mom you don’t hate?”
Me: “She has nice boobs for a woman her age.”
My honesty was not appreciated.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013
I thought women liked men who aren’t afraid to cry, but apparently that doesn’t apply if I do it because I burn my mouth on a Hot Pocket.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013
My wife called my antics “childish.” Whatever. I’d like to see a kid draw a dick that high up on a whiteboard.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 6, 2013