1-year-old: *pees in the potty for the first time* Me: You’re a big girl now! 1: Yeah! Me: Rent is due on the 1st. Don’t be late.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014
Me: I finished my plans for a zombie fort. Wife:*rolls eyes* At least I know you’ll keep me safe. It’s cute how she thinks I’ll let her in
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014
Scientists may soon translate dog thought waves to speech. Expect words fixated on balls & food. It’ll be just like talking to your husband.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014
My order of nachos unexpectedly came with bacon on top. I should kill myself now because my life has clearly peaked.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014
3-year-old: Do you want some of my princess gloss? Me: No. 3: *pouts* All the ladies at work were jealous of my sparkly lips.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2014