Last weekend, I went with a good friend to tame the swirling rapids of the Comal River in New Braunfels, Texas.
Upon making our way towards the river tube outfitters, the streets were absolutely crawling with people, and we first came upon Rockin R River Rides. There a young boy told us where we could park and get a shuttle ride back. Sounded like a plan to us. So as we started following the directions, we came upon another place, Corner Tubes. There was visible beer flowing and they had hot girls in bikinis. Sorry kid. Our allegiance to Rockin R faded quickly as we parked where the Corner babes told us to.
Soon we parked, picked up some beer at the “Sac and Pac”, and made our way back to Corner Tubes, which happens to be right across the street from Prince Solms Park where the tube launch can be found. The beer decision was not made lightly. Being ecologically conscious citizens, we went with Coors Light, which is already 97% water to begin with. Drinking beer in a tube on a river on a hot day is even better than sitting on a couch because it is slightly more acceptable to urinate in place. The recycled Coors provided the least impact to nesting shorebirds and turtle eggs along the river. We bought a 12-pack, which seemed a decent amount for a couple of hours on the river. But this turned out to be a tragic mistake almost on the order of the Donner Party using MapQuest instead of Google Maps to navigate the Sierra Nevadas.
After taking the shuttle to the park, we launched our tubes and floating cooler into the chilly spring water of the Comal. The initial section of river moves even slower than the rest of the river and it was packed tube-to-tube in many places. It probably took about an hour to even get to the chute that gets you around the damn dam. By then each of us were already 3 beers in. Not knowing exactly how long it would take to navigate the river, we had not yet realized the magnitude of our tragic error.
The river flows slowly, is quite relaxing, and there are two other chutes to go through. Lots to see and lots to hear. The river moves alongside the Schlitterbahn, which is only the #1 water park in America. The beers were going down quickly and soon we had nothing but a cooler of 12 empties (“Don’t Mess With Texas”). Almost immediately my friend accused me of “7/5ing” him. I can’t really admit or deny that, as there were a lot of people, a lot of noise, I was distracted, the sun was in my eyes, there were locusts…I SWEAR IT WASN’T MY FAULT!
The last half of the trip required actual conversation. I did try to call out once, “Does anyone have too many beers?” to no avail. Yes, I knew it was a long shot. But by the time we exited and gave our empties to a local hobo, she showed us that many people had surrendered entire beers. We wept and made the sign of the cross. You bastards!