The other is diarrhea. Unlike constipation, diarrhea is quick, smooth and in most cases less painful. It’s like an Olympic Luge ride. You’re at the starting gate, the buzzer goes off and before you can blink you’re dragging your butt crossing the finish line. A little sore but relieved. You forget about all the bloating and cramping prior to the grand finale. It’s over!
Throughout history diarrhea had gotten a bad reputation – listening to all those starving, malaria redden explorers continuously whining about amoebic dysentery. Maybe clean water and a decent meal would have helped. A good corn beef on rye with a dill pickle on the side or maybe pastrami, or a late night meal at Waffle House, but I digress.
Diarrhea can be an euphoric out-of-body experience – like ascending and watching yourself on the toilet, finishing what started out as an colonic emergency and ending in total relief. You smile the smile of a person with clean empty bowels. It almost brings tears to your eyes.
Diarrhea is also a great way to use your PTO (Personal Time Off) hours.
“Hello, this is Jill . . . sorry, I won’t be in today I have a killer bout of diarrhea, okay, yes I promise I won’t be in. Last night’s guacamole is traveling through my colon like a bullet train!”
Or that long distance trip to visit your totally deranged in-laws.
“No we won’t be coming to your 13-year old cat’s Bar Mitzvah, Bob and I have a terrible case of the squirts. No, we don’t want to wear a pair of adult diapers!”
So my fellow Americans, in these trying times of incessant political bullshit, don’t clinch those sphincter muscles when you feel that familiar urge to run and unload. Let it go, let it flow and flush! I guarantee you’ll thank me later.
Politics and diarrhea DO seem to go well together! If only we could get a Congress-sized colonoscopy!
Indeed Mike I’ll add it to my endless list of things to submit for health care reform!! LOL 😉
But then again, diarrhea isn’t as easy as you make it sound when it’s a case of the angry birds!
You’re right Mae. Anything that’s angry shouldn’t be in the same sentence with diarrhea. LOL!
Not unless it’s funny. Like the time when my ex husband mistook laxatives for melatonin and ate 6… 😉
HA HA HA HA HA! Now that’s funny!
I would LOVE to have a clean colon. I’m going to try taking 6 laxatives. Thanks for the tip, Mae! And very funny, Deb.
Thanks Theresa! Nothing says loving like a good ol’fashion colon cleaning!
While I am laughing my guts out, I must say “YUCK!” But so, so funny.I will never look at an Olympic luge race the same again. Great post, Deb!
Ah,politics,goofy winter sports and cramping diarrhea three things that make me think of Sarah Palin’s Alaska. Yuck indeed! lol
“It’s like an Olympic Luge ride.”
Ha, ha, ha. What a great sport analogy Deb.
LB I guarentee you’ll never watch the Winter Olympics in the same way with out thinking “Vaaawoosh, ah, much better”
Definitely remember to flush; I’m referring to the politicians of course. haha
Always remember to flush twice Jack. Politicians have a tendency to float. 😉
HA,HA, such a good laugh this morning thanks. I really liked the line: “It’s like waiting for Sarah Palin to say something brilliant. It’s never going to happen.” Good laughs are worth repeating. 🙂
Happy to provide a Friday chuckle! I need to start paying Sarah Palin royalties for her comedic inspiration!