Here’s a nude picture of me

I swore a long time ago that I would never resort to this to be famous … but, writing just isn’t gonna buy me the things my wife wants. I’ve decided to bare it all on only the most reputable of Web sites. Sorry, mom and dad, but, without any further ado:

This will one day be the cover to my spoken word album.

Oh, I’m sorry. Was that disappointing? (Pipe down, relieved people.) Because apparently that is nudity nowadays. According to PETA and the press, no nipples and no vagina equals “OMG NOODZ!” The latest culprit is Nicole Elizabeth “Snooki” Polizzi.

Even though I know pretty much the bare minimum any decent American should know about Jersey Shore — it’s what’s wrong with us as a culture, etc. — when I heard (from fellow HumorOutcast, John Papageorgiou) that nude pictures of tanning incubator Snooki leaked online, I had to look. Online and in public, I express absolute dismay for her, but let’s face it: if the conditions were right, I’d still want to see her naked because

  1. She’s famous, even if undeservedly so.
  2. I’m a man.

If you don’t want to look, congratulations on being a better person than me. I’m sure your Nobel Peace Prize is already in the mail. But, you really didn’t miss much. Everything is covered up with black bars, meaning Snooki either (a) has either the most polite dick of an ex-boyfriend or (b) he only released the pictures to tabloids the day after all their editors were visited by three ghosts. If you think (c) she leaked them herself after editing out the offending bits, then for shame. Like it or not, Snooki is a national treasure and I’m sure somebody will defend her honor.

… Anybody?

At some point, we regressed as a society. Puss, dick, butthole, nipples — those are nudity. Hell, even the slimmest strip of areola makes the cut. But censor those, and we’re calling ankles nude like we’re goddamn Victorians again. We even fired a sitting Congressman for pictures of himself in his underwear. Yet, Yosemite Sam can continue his career of cowboy/viking/knight/whatever other profession hates ornery critters.

So, as a polite refresher, here are examples of nudity:

Example 1:

Look, Ma! No hands!

Hm. No hands or ankles are visible, so this can’t be nude, right? Ah, but look down: this Greek man has cleverly distracted you with his stumps so that you won’t even notice his tiny, childlike balls.

Example 2:

"Wouldst thou lendeth me a squirt of milk?"

At first glance, this may look like the two chubby kids that Mike Myers stole his “Simon” SNL skits from, but you’re only half right. They’re women shooting Renaissance porn, as evidenced by the woman in the back who’s looming the scene for pirates who couldn’t afford paintings.

Example 3:

I'm not sure what's coming out of her, though. Maybe a table?

This is a Picasso, which means we know it’s nudity because he was kind enough to draw nipples and bush and also to title it “Nude Woman with Necklace.” This was a style of nudity called cubism, which paved the way for scrambled porn and those pixelated boxes on Cops.

Example 4:

Every towel fight begins with a beard tug.

This, however, is not nudity. But, it used to be. This is from Michaelangelo’s fresco, “The Last Judgment,” as you can see it today in the Sistine Chapel. Back in the day, though, hoo boy. Dong city, jack. Somehow, the world’s first public portrayal of what happens in Catholic locker rooms upset the Vatican and so, doing what they do best, they covered it up. With robes in this case.

So, we’re all on the same page again about nudity. Now get out there and show them your stuff.

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One thought on “Here’s a nude picture of me”

  1. I am so glad we have you to explain to us what nudity is. I never could have figured that out and for your eyesight sake, don’t look at the pictures of Snooki. I heard that is worse than staring at the sun during an eclipse.

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