First of all, let’s just get this out of the way. Yes, I still use Yahoo. I know it’s not as cool and trendy as some other search engines but frankly those engines get on my nerves. Google is so smug and annoying. Oh, look at me. It’s National Put Mustard on Your Hot Dog Day and I changed my logo to a wiener dripping with mustard. It’s just for today so enjoy it. How clever am I? Gimme a break. And then there’s Bing. Bing just reeks of desperation. It’s like that girl in high school who was willing to do anything and anyone to fit in. Look! I have pretty pictures on my home page! I’m a search engine! I’m a pretty search engine! Use me! Search with me! I can find out if Abraham Lincoln really was a vampire hunter for you! Do you like me yet?
Yahoo, on the other hand, is like the strip mall that people hardly go to anymore but it still has that pizza place you like so you stop by every once in a while for a slice. The thing I like most about Yahoo is their trending topics. Most of the time they’re self-explanatory like “Presidential Election 2012” or “Mitt Romney’s Dog.” But sometimes they’re so strange that I don’t want to ruin it by clicking on them to see what they actually are. I just want to enjoy what I think they are.
For instance, a few weeks ago one of the trending topics was “Donald Duck Holocaust.” The first thing I thought when I saw that was “Damn, these Disney direct-to-DVD movies are starting to get pretty fucking dark.” All I could picture was Donald Duck and his nephews in some Korean BBQ concentration camp and Donald is trying to lift their spirits like that guy in the movie Life Is Beautiful. But tragically, their fates are sealed and at the end they’re marched into the flames to end up extra crispy over rice.
Yesterday, one of the trending topics was “Depraved Penguins.” Immediately I knew I wanted to hang out with these penguins. We see cute little penguins all of the time in the movies and in the zoo but depraved ones? Sign me up for some of that. What makes a penguin depraved anyway? Do they spend most of their time watching Jersey Shore? Are they shooting up heroin into their little wings? Have they defaced their cute little tuxedo-like bodies with tats? Maybe the male penguins are pricks at the office making the women penguins perform disgusting acts in order to get ahead at their job like an Arctic Mad Men. Perhaps they spend most of their time hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. Who knows? What I do know is I’m not going to spoil things by clicking on it to find out.
So you can keep your Google and Bing. Give me Yahoo any day. Okay, Yahoo dude. Do your yodel thing.