Once again, I am saddened by the gun violence that permeates every sector of our society, so I have come up with a solution. Now, don’t panic NRA people, while my solution does eliminate the need for most guns, I think you might like my alternative. Okay, for those in rural areas who need guns to fend off varmints or hunt food, my proposal is probably not for you; you can still have firearms, but for the rest of the population, you have shot your last bullet. But I think once you hear my plan, you won’t care.
Batman: yep, he is my inspiration — not the guy himself, but the way in which he fought crime and the way in which the villains he faced engaged in crime. Allow me to explain: I was lying awake in the wee hours, and the old Batman series came on. I thought how great it would be if the good guys and bad guys cooperated like they did in this TV show. Imagine how efficient crime fighting would be if today’s criminals and law enforcers wore colorful costumes so that everyone knew who was on their team and who was not. It was so easy for the police in Batman to recognize who the bad guys were which made it doubly sad that they couldn’t catch a jaywalker without the help of a superhero, but that is besides the point of my gun story. With everyone in colorful costumes, there would be no guessing. I know motorcycle and regular street gangs already sport a special wardrobe, but they still carry guns. In my new society, they can have the costumes but not the weapons.
How could this work? Well, the arch villains in Batman never had guns and they were sort of successful. They used their fists and threw stuff around but no one ever took out a gun in any of those fights. Their method of violence was to construct these diabolical death machines that would lure the Caped Crusader and Boy Wonder into quicksand or launch them into outer space or squash them like a bug in a room with collapsible ceilings and walls, but never…I repeat never…was there a gun involved.
So, I propose that criminals take a page from the Batman Arch Criminal Book of Murder and Mayhem. I know what you are thinking. These were special criminals because they were arch villains; they were not regular villains. And this is true, and to be honest, I don’t know how one gets the designation of arch villain or arch criminal. Is there a Cardinal or Bishop criminal who appoints them? I will have to research this later.
Anyway, if the arch villains took such care with their method of enemy elimination, so should the everyday lawbreaker. Think about the pride they would feel knowing that they had constructed an elaborate way of doing away with those they need to do away with. Everyone from muggers to gangs to pissed off spouses who were cheated on would know that even if they were not successful in their bid to knock off their enemy, they at least were successful in devising a method of “demise” that would make the most seasoned cop say, “it’s a shame it didn’t work; it truly was a magnificent plan.”
As for the cops and superheroes who help the police: Changes would be made on their side of the law as well. Okay, they can still have guns. I mean sometimes, a cop just needs a gun and they are on the right side of the law—usually – so they get the advantage. But before they reach for their guns, they have to exhaust what is in their newly designed, high-tech utility belt. In that belt, they could have everything from “put your criminal suspect to sleep” pellets to a cloning device that would allow them to sneak up on criminals without them being seen to rocket boosters which would launch them out of harm’s way before the criminal can react.
Think how much better the world would be if we made these changes. No guns would be needed. I bet that most criminals would give up their “evil” way of life because how many of them are going to possess the follow through to develop these complicated and expensive murder contraptions. How many of them could afford to pay the physicists, chemists and engineers needed to develop these complicated extermination methods? My guess: very few indeed. If they were that focused, funded and driven, they would be bankers.
So, I say let’s hold our first cop-crook convention to set down our ideas and goals for a gunless society. Hey, not everyone will be on board with no-gun thing, but at least they might like the colorful costume idea. That would be a good start, and it will save a lot of lives and lot of wasted bullets.