A Cat Speaks Up

Cats rule and dogs drool.*
Sassy

I’m a cat. That’s my picture you see over there. I’m the good-looking, smart one. My name is Harmony and I have a few things to say to all of you. Don’t try to ignore me. I have ways to make you pay attention. Just ask my human, if you don’t believe me. She is acting as my secretary right now, taking down everything I say.

N-i-c-e human! If you’re a good girl, I’ll rub myself against your leg, give you a nose bump and let you have a cookie.

Let’s get to the point. Far too much attention has been paid to certain dogs lately. I won’t name any names; you know who you are. I’ll admit that the book you dictated to your human because, like me, you don’t have opposable thumbs is damned hilarious.** You are a pair of comic geniuses, and I am impressed. Congratulations on your new writing career.

There are a few things that need to be set straight, though. Hey, Human, wake up! Take these down.

First, foremost and most important, in all circumstances the cat is the boss. There are no exceptions. Period. Don’t even ask me about this. It is not open to discussion.

Now that that has been established, let’s move on to some other points.

Humans exist for the following purposes:

1. To feed the cat
2. To clean the litter box
3. To give the cat all the attention he or she wants, ONLY when he or she wants it
4. To become a comfortable pillow whenever the cat feels like cuddling
5. To provide the cat with a nice place to live, including plenty of windows
6. To keep the cat supplied with things to play with, and to play with the cat whenever he or she has to work off some energy

Any violations of the above may be punished with swatting, sulking, the cold shoulder treatment, pestering, knocking things off shelves and bookcases or other mischief-making, as needed, according to the circumstances.

We tolerate dogs for their entertainment value. Everyone who counts knows that cats are smarter than dogs. We sometimes allow the big hairy lumps to share our homes because it’s fun to play tricks on them. It’s especially fun to give them the rubbing, cuddling, nose-bumping act just to fool them into thinking we like, or even love them. Then we can play any fun tricks we want, because the big, dumb creatures will be off-guard. For added fun, we can get Pooch to chase us, which usually results in plenty of sympathy from the human for us and a snout-slapping for Poochie.

For those of us who do not share our homes with a dog, a game of let’s-instigate-the-neighbor’s-dog is good for a few laughs, until it becomes boring.

Humans and dogs may occupy a chair or bed only after the cat has vacated it. Any attempts to remove the cat before the cat is good and ready are strictly forbidden, and you are warned not to try them. These include:

1. Picking the cat up and putting him or her on the floor
2. Poking the cat in the butt with a magazine
3. Startling the cat and scaring the stuffing out of him by singing a loud high note or popping a plastic bag in his ear
4. Tipping the chair or the mattress until the cat slides off

Along the same lines, the cat is permitted to jump onto, and walk on, any surface in the house that he or she is capable of jumping onto. In other words, if you want your knicknacks to be safe, put them on the ceiling.

We don’t care if we’re “doing something cute.” We don’t pose for funny pictures. If you’re not fast enough to catch us in the act, too bad. And you’ll be very sorry (and be wearing a lot of band-aids) if you ever try to put some silly costume on any of us. If you want a cat in a Santa Claus suit, get Photoshop.

You get the picture, right? If you have any questions, just ask my human. She’s well trained, and, by now, she knows how I feel about everything.

*In case you’ve forgotten, this is from the Homeward Bound movies. Sassy is every cat’s ideal.

**A big “brava” to Donna Cavanagh for this very entertaining book. Harmony’s Human