Ain’t no NaNo Back Guuuuuuuuuurl | HumorOutcasts

Ain’t no NaNo Back Guuuuuuuuuurl

November 4, 2013

I’ve been sucked into the vortex again, friends. For the fourth year in the last seven (breaks were necessary due to book contracts), I’m attempting to master the NaNoWriMo beast and it’s not lookin’ good. Oh, the word count is decent and this time I even have an outline not written while asleep, but I’ve developed a medical issue and it’s only a matter of time before I go down for the (word) count.

Day One: My desk is tidy, filled with notepads, extra pencils, leftover Halloween chocolate, a copy of a friend’s book (how did that get over here?), and a fresh carafe of coffee. Birds are singing outside my window and my dog loves me. I whip out the first 1,700 words with ease. This will be a snap.

Day Two: The chocolate is gone. I’m on page 110 of friend’s book, I remind myself to dust the bookshelf, and the dog farted. Another 1,700 words but I’ve started making my main character do stupid things like horrifying children with his rendition of the Chicken Dance at his second grade last-day-of-school party. This may not end well. Is that wine?


Day Three: 


Day Four: Good GOD, what happened to my back? My thighs hurt, my hips don’t wiggle anymore, and my butt is on fire. I fear I have the dreaded NaNo Back and no amount of yoga will help. Send help as my dog left me and took the damn wine. Jerk.


Stay tuned. Send Chocolate.

Stacey Graham

Stacey is the author of four books and a rag-tag collection of short stories. You can currently find her scaring the pants off of readers with her latest book, Haunted Stuff: Demonic Dolls, Screaming Skulls, and Other Creepy Collectibles. She intends on returning the pants at a later date. Please visit her at her website at or on Twitter at @staceyigraham.

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14 Responses to Ain’t no NaNo Back Guuuuuuuuuurl

  1. Kathy Minicozzi
    November 4, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    I would like to hunt down whoever invented NaNoWriMo and make them eat every page they ever wrote. That is the greatest form of torture ever invented against those who would be writers.

    At the rate I’m going, my novel, which I started months ago, might be finished somewhere around the year 2033.

    Come to think of it, I could use some of that chocolate. And I will see if my cat is interested in being my muse.

    • November 4, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Use that chocolate as an incentive. One page: one mini-chocolate. At the end of your writing time, you should be stuffed!

      • Kathy Minicozzi
        November 5, 2013 at 5:08 pm

        That’s great, as long as the chocolate isn’t the really good kind. If it is, I’ll probably use it as an excuse to stop writing and eat chocolate! 😉

        • November 6, 2013 at 7:54 pm

          There’s only so much a woman can stand.

  2. Lizzie B
    November 4, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    This is *outstanding* – so what I needed to read today. I expected to run out of steam/go slow/get stuck, I just didn’t think it would be so hard only four days in! This is my first NaNo. If you’re up for coaching a newbie, my username is “Lizziebo.”

  3. BethB
    November 4, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Obviously the only way to get you back on track is to send over Daniel Craig as your personal masseuse.

    • November 4, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      I wonder how fast he types?

      • Kathy Minicozzi
        November 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm

        Who cares? He has other assets that could be deep sources of inspiration.

  4. November 4, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    Not sharing my chocolate! Winter’s coming.

    • November 4, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      Would you trade it for a slightly-chewed Starburst?

      • November 5, 2013 at 12:16 am

        I can say no to almost any candy … except chocolate. And, oddly enough, Bit O’ Honey.

  5. Amy
    November 4, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    It’s obvious that the dog masterminded a yoga plot twist to take out your back so he could have the wine. Trust me. I know about these things. I have a Dachshund. They’re devious.

    • November 4, 2013 at 3:44 pm

      I’m not even mad. I’m just impressed she could uncork it better than I could.

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