Brilliant suggestions for hotel freebies

I’m in and out of hotels quite a bit for work.  With all the room keys I’ve collected, I know how a prostitute must feel.  Well, without the Pelvic Inflammatory Disorder.

As a hotel guru, I’ve noticed several items hotels don’t  provide guests that I think they should.  For starters, a cabana boy would be great.

Here’s a list of some of those suggestions.

Toothpaste

This seems like a no-brainer, but apparently not.  Every hotel I go to has complimentary shampoo and conditioner, but no toothpaste.

Do hotels believe people who care enough about their hair to go through a two step cleansing process wouldn’t care at all about clean teeth?

What does this say about the state of oral hygiene in this country?  Do hotels believe when we take a vacation, we also take a vacation from our dental responsibilities?

Quite honestly, I would much prefer to sit next to someone on an airplane that went a day without hair washing rather than someone who went a day without teeth brushing; especially if that person had braunschweiger for a snack.

If others are like me, my morning mouth tastes like a mammal took a $hit in it, rolled around in it, and then doused it with urine.

I need my precious Colgate to make that taste go away.

Towels are larger than cocktail napkins

I’m definitely a larger gal, but is it too much to ask for a towel that wraps at least half way around my body?

Or maybe a towel that isn’t see-through?

There’s nothing like drying off from a sup-par shower only to discover the towel is the approximate thickness of the 2 ply toilet paper they provide.

I’d have more success drying off using the 5 watt hair dryer they provide than I would actually using their towels.

In fact, I’ve never been to a hotel where the towels felt new.  Are they all perpetually old and crusty?

If hotel towels were people, they would be the 87 year olds in the nursing home with see-through skin and bald spots.

Chapstick for the dry air

This would be a something patrons would actually use, as opposed to the shower cap that’s provided instead.

Who uses those shower caps? (Aside from your crazy uncle who steals them from the room and uses them to make his spaceship).

How about instead of worthless shower caps that make the user look like he/she is going to perform an appendectomy, you provide Chapstick instead?

The stale air in the rooms is enough to suck the moisture out of just about anything, including my drink…which explains why so much liquor is consumed on my trips.  It’s definitely evaporation.

Ear plugs to ignore the neighbors

This is something I would greatly appreciate, although they should be disposable ear plugs.  I don’t need someone else’s ear jam mixing with mine.

Depending on the hotel, some walls are thin and I hear far more than I want to.

Although I love to eavesdrop on conversations in everyday life, I don’t want to listen to the pay-per-view in the room next door or to the hotel guest watching it.  Although I can’t see him, I suspect he’s comprised of 2 parts whiskey, one part desperation and one part Stetson.

I especially don’t want to hear his reaction when he discovers that Missy has been a naughty school girl.

Turn down the volume and call an escort…or maybe your mom, as clearly she didn’t give you enough attention as a child.

Cleaning supplies to sanitize the room

You know the cleaning women didn’t do it, as I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pubic hair on the floor of the restroom that has been there since the 1990s.

I never feel like the rooms are clean, and I treat each room like a contamination site.

If I had a full haz-mat suit I would wear it around the room, as I’m sure the germs in one hotel room could wipe out a small nation if used properly.

At least if cleaning supplies were in the room I could do my own cleaning and feel like I wasn’t walking around on years of dead skin cells and hooker DNA.

Scented room spray

This would make the room feel more homey, but would also cover up the smell of coitus, old man farts and subtle desperation.

A few pumps of room spray might actually make me believe I’m in a tropical location instead of a dive hotel in a small town, where the desk clerk is 27 and working to put her kid through college.

The room spray wouldn’t completely convince me I was somewhere else, as the domestic abuse next door would remind me of my location.

However, it would at least cover up the stench that may or may not be a product of my own gas…

This list is not exhaustive, but the suggestions would make the rooms feel more homey.

But seriously, if they can’t do this, I would be fine with a cabana boy…it would be a good start.