Dear Tommy: One-Time Advice For Soon-To-Be-Married Bros

By: Tricia

My thirteenth wedding anniversary is approaching. And no, I’m not talking about a one-year anniversary with my thirteenth wife. So, I’ve got the experience and knowledge required to write this column.

Okay, with that out of the way, let’s continue.

Guys, all your married brethren understand one undisputable fact – a wedding anniversary is the one date in married life that you don’t forget. You can miss Valentine’s Day (which is really about spurring shopping) and you can even miss Mother’s Day (a gift to the restaurant industry), but you don’t forget a wedding anniversary. Why? Because an innocent, unintentional oversight gets interpreted as proof that you hate your wife.

I know, I know. It’s not fair. Whatever, deal with it. So how do you accomplish this essential non-forgetting? Do what I did after I almost blew it in 2004 – use the date as the combination to your bike lock. Or make it part of your email password. However you do it, be sure to burn that date into your mind through repetition.

You’re welcome.

Two more quick bits of advice. First, don’t worry about the size of the ring. The author Poe Ballantine nailed it when he wrote “Show me a big stone and I’ll show you a short marriage.” On the other hand, the wedding proposal is important. It’s kinda scary, but you want to hit a homer on your first at-bat. No one ever provides any guidance on this, there’s no class to take, so you’re flying blind. So, when proposing to your partner, these tactics offer a sure-fire method for success:

1)      Take your partner’s hand and then say “Here’s a chance to make the biggest mistake of your life. Marry me”.

If this feels a bit too romantic, try this:

2)      Grab the aforementioned hand and say “Your sister said ‘no’, so what do you think?”

Also, be sure to propose in a very public setting. Pick a sports stadium and get the camera person to film your proposal and play it on the big screen in front of 60,000 people. Massive peer pressure and the threat of public humiliation guarantees you’ll get a “yes” answer. Sure, you might only be married until the game ends, but that still counts.

You’re welcome. I’d write more, but I’m working on my anniversary gift. The Web says that the gift for a 13th anniversary should include textile furs. If any of you guys are knitters, I could use help figuring out how to sew squirrel pelts onto a down-jacket hood.

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3 thoughts on “Dear Tommy: One-Time Advice For Soon-To-Be-Married Bros”

  1. I have seen that public proposal go awry. Uou would think a girl could just say yes just to help the guy out and then when they return to their seats she could let him down easier so the rejection is not splashed across the gigantic screen.

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