It used to be that the road to sainthood was a grueling process. Not only did you have to die a gruesome martyr death such as having your eyes plucked out or your head chopped off or you became dinner for a pride of lions, but you had to do some serious magical miracle stuff while you were alive. But not anymore. Pope John Paul II has cruised through the sainthood process and is ready to receive that extra special spot in heaven without the traditional “prove to us you’re worth it” stuff. So, I thought, if JP II can do it, why not me?
I would think being a saint has some advantages. You get a day named after you, special prayers aimed at you, dominion over some affliction or cause, priority seating at Heaven’s hot spots and a cool halo to wear over your head at all times. If you are a really powerful saint, you get to cast out demons and evil forces such as Donald Trump. Yes, there are definite perks to sainthood. So, if the current Pope is going to take the shortcut with JP II, then I think it’s only fair that other mortals get the chance to take that same abbreviated route to canonization.
Allow me to lay out my reasons why I should be a saint:
1. I take care of a flock. Okay, it might not be a big church-going flock, but it’s a flock of writers, and while I love all of my writers, sometimes, they are not always the easiest people to shepherd when all that creativity is running amok in their brains. I admit my sainthood chances would increase significantly if I shepherded a chapter of the of Hell’s Angels gang instead of sensitive artist-types, but I still tend some kind of flock, so I should get saint points for it. Plus, I am an internet ordained minister which means, I tend my flock legitimately.
2. I am not judgmental. A judgmental person would have screamed at the rich bitch with all the bling who cut me off on the 422 bypass and then when I honked my horn to voice my disapproval, she waved to me as to say, “HA HA! I’m in a Mercedes and my life is so much more important than yours!” Yes, a judgmental person would have prayed a cop was in the area and pulled her over and gave her a $1 million ticket for being a narcissistic moron! That is what a judgmental person what have done…on second thought, it occurs to me that lots of saints were probably a bit judgmental, and maybe a little judgmental streak combined with a benevolent form of road rage is in truth a good recipe for a powerful saint. It makes the saint seem approachable yet scary.
3. I am married to an engineer. Oh, I know you are saying, “What’s the big deal with this?” Well, the big deal is if you are a writer who functions completely on the emotional level and you live with a person who functions completely on a logical level, one of you has to be patient, and that patient person is me. I am the Princess of Patience in my home and I should be rewarded with nothing less than sainthood. There are those who might say my husband should be a saint because he lives with me, but those who say that would be very, very wrong, and when I become a saint, I will banish them to Hell (if saints can do that kind of thing.)
4. I try to be kind to humans and animals. I think this is a biggie for saints. Lots of saints appear to have posed for their official statues with animals. Just look at St. Francis. His statues always include him holding furry critters and birds Let’s face facts, no one got sainthood by making a habit of slaughtering people or pets. While it’s true the Old Testament was filled with sacrifices of every type, the modern saint finds better ways to serve God and man: Guilt.
This takes me to #5: Guilt. While I don’t employ guilt often, I do have a talent for it. Ask my daughter. And if I can use it for the good of mankind such as getting people to recycle or inspiring them to think the way I think (you know, the right way), then I am still a good candidate for the big “ST.” in front of my name.
I am liking my chances for sainthood. Next week, I will send my query off to the Vatican. I wonder how long it will take them to respond.