The New York Times recently reported on a Major League Baseball player who is suspected of purchasing documents about himself from an anti-aging clinic in Miami. Apparently, the guy is trying to hide evidence of doping from officials investigating his purported drug use. It’s funny how this story involves an anti-aging clinic, because the whole issue of illegal drug use in professional sports is getting really old.
So much time and effort is spent on this problem, which never goes away. But I’ve got a better way to deal with it. Since many players have shown an affinity for drug use, we should honor that quality and put it to a beneficial use. Here’s how:
Whenever a pro sports league has evidence that a player is doping, it should offer him a choice: either forfeit the multi-million dollar contracts and endorsement deals or agree to become a test subject for new, yet-to-be-approved drugs.
For instance, say a pharmaceutical company has a new drug for male pattern baldness. Before, the company had to undergo lengthy, expensive test trials. But now the company could just do their tests on druggie athletes who don’t want to lose their millions. In the long run this pool of free test subjects would lower the cost of drugs for consumers.
But this plan would also increase viewership and revenue for teams. Why? Well, new drugs often backfire. So picture this: a guy is standing at the plate during a Major League playoff game. Due to an unforeseen problem with the drug, his entire face is now covered with hair. The hair is so thick and dense that he needs two holes cut out so he can see the pitcher and another so he can breathe. He looks like Sasquatch wearing one of those knit ski masks you wear to rob a bank.
Millions of new viewers are gonna tune in to see that. Guaranteed.
Meanwhile another guy is leading in the Tour De France. He’s cranking up a steep hill, leaving the competition in the dust. All eyes are on him, but not because he’s winning. No, everyone watching is transfixed by his helmet, which looks tiny sitting atop a massive, unintended afro.
Cheaper drugs, more TV revenue, and big laughs? This plan is a total win-win.
Great idea. I’d even watch bike racing if they do it. Well, maybe.
Now Bill Y wouldn’t normally be a malicious kind of genius but if your plan gets off the ground, I will campaign to get singing classified as a sport. Then we spike Bieber’s drink with drugs until he’s caught cheating. Then when he’s used as a test subject, maybe he’ll grow a pair and stop been such an annoying, little girl.
That would be a hairy situation for the athlete.