1. If you get an email from a guy offering to split a $2 million inheritance with you if you will let him clean out your bank account … that’s just Cousin Ambrogio, practicing his English on his laptop in Aunt Teresa’s kitchen. He’s a loser. If you ignore him, he’ll go away.
2. If you are a loser like Cousin Ambrogio, don’t let it get you down. Some of the best people are losers. Your motto should be, “Proud to be a loser!” Wear it on a tee shirt. Force your car to wear it on a bumper sticker. Write a song about it. Celebrate your frustrating life!
3. Never take advice from a humor writer. We lie. A lot. All the time. Because it’s funny.
4. Humor writers like to ignore grammar and punctuation, too. See No. 3, above.
5. Try to laugh a lot. It’ll make you feel better.
I think I’ll write a new TV sitcom: My Cousin the Italian Zombie.
Cousin Ambrogio looks like he’s been possessed and he scares me. I don’t want half of his inheritance. Make him go away.