WHEELING, WVA – Local almost-menopausal woman, Anna Coltrane, reportedly “lost all God damn sense” on Twitter yesterday, according to one of her followers. The account, @juicysoccermom4137 (which has since been deleted) started the day off seemingly normal, with reports of the kids refusing to eat their eggs and other tweets referring to “what may have been the largest bowel movement I have ever seen a 7 year old take.”
However, things took a sharp turn to the bizarre shortly after her 11:17 AM tweet about the family dog, Beatrice, “pissing on the new mattress for the last time.” At approximately 11:45 Am, Anna attacked the twitter accounts of Justin Bieber, Nikki Minaj, Tom Hanks and for an unknown reason, Heinz Ketchup. After referring to most of them as “The illegitimate bastard children of a society long drenched in dog piss” and specifically to Justin Bieber as a “dick ruffle”, she began taking pictures of her privates, various piles of feces and a half eaten PB&J sandwich and posting them to the celebrities/condiments news feeds.
“It was awful,” said @pleasantgoat297. “Her vagina had a 5 o’clock shadow. It looked like it was up all night trying to solve a problem.”
Mrs. Coltrane could not be reached for comment.