The spiritual leader and head of the worldwide Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, surprised the world today by saying that he will resign at the end of the month due to advanced age, heath concerns, and inability to catch speedy altar boys.
It’s the first time a pope has resigned in nearly 600 years.
“Sure, I’m old and my health is poor. But I was old and unhealthy when I got here. But these kids today…they aren’t all video game playing couch potato fatties. Some of them are pretty fit and downright quick. I used to be able to corner them near the holy water, but now they almost always get away. Just a tiny jab step or head fake and I’m lost. The shame is hard to take. I must now step aside and let someone younger take over who can more properly carry out the Catholic Church’s noble mission.”
After his resignation, Benedict, 85, will most likely retire to a monastery and devote himself to a life of reflection and prayer, plus possibly catching up on the last several seasons of “The Bachelor”. He will not play a part in choosing a new pope or in assisting the church after his resignation, outside of advising that the next pope be physically as well as spiritually fit. Most likely one who does a lot of cardio in the gym.