Six-Pack Abs Don’t Come in a Tube

Late night TV offers a myriad of products that usually target the over 65 crowd. I don’t know why this age group is awake at this time, but it seems to be their peak hours. They are sort of like geriatric vampires. Personally, I think they hold secret communications with each other during the dark hours and discuss how they are going to take over the world one handicapped parking spot at a time.

Anyway, some of the products advertised during the wee hours of the morning include reverse mortgages, life insurance policies that require no physicals and law firms who want to reward millions of dollars for bad bladder mesh surgery or diabetes drugs. Most of the ads I tend to ignore, but in the past few months, two commercials kept getting my attention.

Product #1: The Tummy Tuck Body Slimming system. According to the ad, six-pack abs are easy to achieve. All I had to do was smear on magic tummy cream, slide into a body corset, perform two minutes of inhale-exhale stomach exercises, and then lounge on my couch for eight minutes in the corset while the magic tummy cream melted away fat. Seemed logical–right? Plus, the commercial had real live “non-actors” swearing the Tummy Tuck system worked for them. The non-actors said they didn’t even have to alter their diet or lifestyle. Why would they lie? Maybe visiting a compassionate doctor for cosmetic surgery would be a more appropriate option.


So, one night when the commercial aired, I put down my ice cream sandwich and made the call so I could get flat abs too. As soon as the package arrived, I watched the DVD as instructed (yes, that was free along with a tape measure to see my waist-reduction progress) and began my stomach transformation. Guess what? NOTHING HAPPENED. That free tape measure showed no change in inches whatsoever, and I was ticked because I did the entire program seriously.

Conclusion: six-pack abs don’t come in a tube of magic fat-melting tummy formula. Go figure.

Product #2: The Chillow Pillow. This product was made for me. I am a chronic pillow turner. My husband says it’s because I have really thick hair which heats up my pillow quickly. He backs up this theory with the added fact that because he is follically-challenged (not sure if it’s a term in real life), his pillow stays cool. I guess it makes sense.

Anyway, I bought the Chillow Pillow. I followed the instructions (they are a bit complicated. I added water and let it sit for four hours and then made sure the air bubbles were pushed out of the valve on the underside of the pillow, and finally my Chillow Pillow was ready for action. Guess what? This pillow really stays chilly. Okay, sometimes it loses some of its “coolness” in the middle of the night, but if you let it breathe on its own for a few minutes, the chillow in the pillow returns. The one drawback: My dog LuLu likes it too. She rests her head on it and makes these cooing sounds. I don’t have the heart to kick her off of it. So, another Chillow Pillow is on order, and this one I keep for myself.

Conclusion: While the majority of late night commercials offer sub-par products, every once in a while, a product does what it says it will do. I’m hoping this is true when my Curl-Air Hair Dryer arrives. This product uses the science behind tornadoes to dry and style hair in one shot. How could I not order this product? After all, anything that mimics an F-5 twister spinning on or near your head has to be good for you…right?

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9 thoughts on “Six-Pack Abs Don’t Come in a Tube”

  1. Old people are awake that late cause they eat dinner at 2 in the afternoon, go to bed at 5:00 and then wake up at 3 in the morning. For them, it’s liking sleeping until noon for the rest of us.

  2. I saw the chillow ad recently and thought it sounded like agood idea. I grew up sleeping in a unheated bedroom and got used to a cold pillow. Even though my hairdo is similar to Ed’s!

  3. I couldn’t stop thinking about why YOU were awake with all of us OLD, what did you call us – oh, yeah – geriatric vampires! I’m glad you did the review of the tummy thing. I won’t get it now. But if you find an at-home liposuction kit, please let me know. I’m waiting for somebody to invent that. Signed, Geri Atric Vampire

    P.S. The upside is that you can use all of these products as tax deductions because you’re writing reviews on them! Hmm. I should save my receipts – I’ve complained about Comcast enough, I should get some tax relief from all of my reviews of them.

    1. I am always awake. Don’t ask me why. I think the reason is that my husband is such a sound sleeper and so are my dogs that I feel someone needs to be ready to save the rest in case of fire, burglary or hauntings.

  4. Okay, now I get it! I was suppose to rub the cream on my flabby-18-hours of child birthing-tummy instead of eating it??

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