The Message | HumorOutcasts

The Message

August 29, 2013


It’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake. I should go clean out the fridge or twist myself into some yoga poses, but I’m emailing you instead.

How goes the search for Vivian’s birthday present? I think a handbag is better than hockey tickets, if you ever want to have sex again. You just need to choose the right one. It should be attractive, but organizationally sound. Roomy, but with special pockets for lip gloss and tampons. I suggest you start at Macy’s, then move on to Bloomingdale’s. From there you’ll want to hit Liz Claiborne, Ann Taylor, Nine West, Loehmann’s, Neiman Marcus and DSW.

I know it sounds like a lot, but trust me, you’ll be fine.

Strike that. You’ll be chum. Give me some dates and I’ll go with you.

I went to the dentist this morning. “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” was on the TV. You know how I know nothing about everything? Well, the planets must have been aligned just so, because I knew one answer after another. This, with my mouth clamped open, suction apparatus under my tongue, and cold water spraying my face. I begged God to let me shout the answers, but he was off dealing with world hunger.

I know life isn’t fair, but I can’t help feeling aggrieved.    

Alright. I think I’m gonna go watch TV now. There are a few episodes of “Mystery Diagnosis” I haven’t seen. Last week a guy had a tumor in his eardrum. It was really cool.

Let me know when you want to shop for purses.



June O'Hara

Writer, therapist, humorist. My loves are complaining about my hair, talking to my cat and making fun of golf carts; I'm concerned that my clients sense this about me.My stories have been published in "The Battered Suitcase," "Mused Magazine," "Tryst," "Ducts," and "The Connotation Press," which named me one of their top contributors of 2011. I am a frequent contributor to BuzzFeed, and my humor blog, "The Neurosis Files," is at

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4 Responses to The Message

  1. August 31, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I’m ready for it, Mario!

  2. August 30, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    I’ll be calling you when I need to go Christmas shopping for my wife.

  3. August 30, 2013 at 8:31 am

    It takes me so long to decide, Donna! I love bags, and choose them with care. If I ever get rich, I’ll have quite a collection!

  4. August 30, 2013 at 8:06 am

    So much energy to go to the mall and look for a purse! LOL

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