Judge: Did you kill this man?
Me: He said "j/k."
Judge: That’s no excuse.
Me: He actually said "slash."
Judge: Not guilty.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013
Sorry, bro, but this is an ugly sweater party, not an ugly face party. You need to get your baby out of here. His head looks like a raisin.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you today.
Me: Today? What about other days?
3:
Me:
3:
Me:
3: Can I go now?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013
I invented a cocktail that’s three parts alcohol and one part sadness. It’s called My Life, and it will fuck you up.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013
I keep a flask in my jacket in case of an emergency, like being forced to talk with another human or being sober.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 10, 2013