Are you hoping to find that magic cream, pill or lotion that will give you flawless, youthful skin? Well, actress Heather Locklear has the answer, and it’s a remedy you probably won’t find on a Sunday morning infomercial: Human sperm. Yes, Locklear rubs the little swimmers on her face to ward off wrinkles.
Locklear doesn’t say where she procures her supply, but I would assume she has little trouble finding willing donors. So, is this just another Hollywood fad? Well, no. In fact, not only does sperm have anti-aging elements but are you ready? It is as nutritious as a high-protein shake.
According to researchers at Columbia Health, semen contains fructose sugar, water, Vitamin C, Zinc, protein, and other good nutritional stuff. So, the health benefits of semen are not underestimated. The problem is that if women use sperm as a topical anti-aging cream and as a nutritional supplement, less sperm will be available for the reproduction process especially if one follows the one-mate-only rule. So, what’s a woman to do?
Some experts suggest that women maintain a two-party sperm system. A woman can assign a man she finds attractive to reproduction efforts in hopes his sperm will successfully procreate thus bonding them together in a long-term permanent relationship, and assign someone else who is not eye candy for her to health and beauty sperm duties. Imagine men being used this way? The uproar in the male community is already reaching a fever pitch with most men saying,
“Hey, if I can make even one woman wrinkle-free and physically fit, I will feel good about myself.”
Who said men are selfish?
I can start selling my sperm for health benefits. Wish I had known about this a long time ago. Just think of all the money I’ve let slip thru my fingers!
Now I wouldn’t be one of the more picky of the dudes and I would gladly do my duties, both reproduction and health and beauty because that’s just the type of giving person that I am!
Step right up ladies. For only $9.99 and S&H charges you can now restore that youthful appearance with Larry’s Love Lotion. But wait! If you order now we’ll send you two vials for the price of one. Operators are standing by.
Don’t Wait. Order today. Supplies may be limited due to production limitations. Must be 18 or older to order or have parent’s signed consent.
Oh man. I think I just creeped myself out.
Hmmm …
No. Too much of a yuck factor here. And what if one of those sperm being used as an anti-wrinkle remedy was actually destined to help produce the next great medical researcher?*
Better to smear our faces with mud, like everyone else.
*Or the Antichrist — oops! I think I just invalidated my own argument.
So what your saying, in effect, is that many of the scenes in pornos were actually promoting positive benefits?
If so, the porno industry may glom on to your story and, viola’, you could be a star. Don’t be surprised if you get an invite to AEE (Adult Entertainment Expo) in Vegas.
You may have to go shopping at Trixxies.