A Valentine Message, Or Else | HumorOutcasts

A Valentine Message, Or Else

February 14, 2014

I’m going to tell you a secret: A secret that will seem stunning, coming from a man who writes romance novels:

I’m not romantic. At all.

This comes as no surprise to my wife, I’m sad to say. I do the dishes, don’t mind going shopping, listen when she talks, and don’t watch sports, but in this one area I’m sadly far too much like the typical male.

It’s worse during winter, a time during which I’m not very good at anything, and tend to get sick and tired all the time. Unfortunately for me, some moron chose to place Valentine’s Day in February, right in the middle of a time when my idea of romance is cuddling on my side instead of my back, so I’m less likely to bother her by snoring.


But I do love her. She knows that, but even though Emily isn’t a typical woman in some ways, she would like me to show it more often. Who can blame her?




I could say that of course I love her, because—after all—I married her. I mean, she knows I tend to be a hermit, and the single life is great, right?

But I have a good memory in some areas. Married men tend to convince themselves that single life is great, but in reality they black out the bad parts … the loneliness being the biggest of the bad parts. They’d never admit to anyone, even themselves, that being single is only fun in retrospect.




I was especially lucky, because my wife is a nerd, like me. (Or is it geek? I can never keep them straight.) I’m not so much into gaming or horror as she is, but we both like science fiction, reading, writing, and humor, among other things.




I may not have the charm of Captain Picard, the hot bad boy-ness of Dean Winchester, or the dark presence of Professor Snape, but mostly we get each other. She’s even learned to tell when I’m not feeling well, even when I try to hide it.


TARDIS Valentine


She doesn’t even mind my puns. Much. Usually.


Be Mein Valentine


Still, speaking of puns, you have to wonder why she’s willing to put up with me. I have a hard time being serious; I have absolutely no idea how to relax; thanks to my writing career I’m working two full time jobs; and I’m twice her age, meaning my health is starting to fall apart just as she’s looking for someone to go, say, cliff diving or shooting the rapids. (Note to my wife: NO cliff diving.)


And her? She’s perfect.




Yes, I’m aware no one is actually perfect, although some think they are. But I can’t imagine any woman being closer to a perfect match for me. I shall, little by little and mostly in better weather, try to correct the things I know she doesn’t like about me, not the least of which being my less than romantic disposition. Maybe writing more romantic comedies will help. In return, all I ask of Emily: Is that she puts up with me.


And edit my stories.



Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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12 Responses to A Valentine Message, Or Else

  1. February 16, 2014 at 4:04 am

    I like the Be Mein one the best. Cause when you think romance, you think Hitler. That’s a no brainer.

    • February 16, 2014 at 4:18 am

      Oh, absolutely. I mean, sure the guy killed tens of millions of people, but hey — he loved dogs, and painted artwork! Close to the perfect dating material.

  2. February 14, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    I’m with Tom with the dictator card! Very funny post!!

    • February 15, 2014 at 12:07 am

      I suspect those puns wouldn’t have gone over well with the people in the photos …

  3. Deb Martin-Webster
    February 14, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    You had me at the TARDIS card!

    • February 15, 2014 at 12:06 am

      You know the cool thing about that card, of course: Bigger on the inside.

  4. February 14, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Like your wife, mine is also perfect — because she puts up with my puns!
    Not that she wasn’t warned. On the her side of my car, after our wedding, my groomsmen had written: “Mary’s PUNishment”

    • February 15, 2014 at 12:06 am

      Ah, the groomsmen get it. I tell my wife that she knew about my puns going in, but sometimes she still tries to get the dog to bite me.

  5. February 14, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    The dictator valentine is hilarious. Glad I caught it this time!

    • February 15, 2014 at 12:04 am

      I live for puns. Of course, in those countries puns could have gotten me killed …

  6. Bill Y Ledden
    February 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    I thought doing the dishes and going shopping WAS romantic! That’ would explain why Jill Y didn’t like today’s Valentines Day present alright.

    • February 15, 2014 at 12:03 am

      I know, right? How can women not appreciate us washing dishes, let alone holding their purse while they try on clothes.

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