Fifteen years ago I was at a sports medicine clinic getting treated for a ski injury. The doctor I was working with told me about a former pro baseball player who tore a muscle in his lower back by simply getting up off a couch while watching a World Series game. I laughed while I lay there on the floor doing back stretches—at least I’d done something to earn my injury.
I’m not laughing anymore. I’m now sympathizing. Recently I leaned down to clip a toenail. Since I’m not very flexible I had to strain to get the clipper into contact with a toe. Shortly after making contact I felt a fierce pain in my right butt cheek. I whipped upright the way you do with a charley horse. Yes, I had pulled a butt-muscle performing a basic hygiene task. I spent the day walking at 1/4 speed and wincing.
Next time I’m using a pair if hedge shears. They’ve got those nice long handles.
But I’m starting to accept the fact that middle age is where you just hurt yourself by doing nothing athletic. You reach for the butter and sprain a wrist. You help someone move and, seconds after lifting one end of a couch, become instantly paralyzed. Basic daily activities become your new extreme sport.
Last night I failed to use enough covers on the bed. I woke up with my arms pressed to my side to preserve heat. I’d spent a few hours with all my body weight resting on my right elbow. In the morning I could only bend my arm 15 degrees or so. I couldn’t raise my arm to my head.
How do you hurt yourself sleeping? By turning 48, that’s how.
I spent the whole day doing everything left-handed. After “brushing” my hair I looked like someone wearing a Wayne Newton Halloween mask.
Here’s my theory on this. My Middle Aged Non-Active Injury Theory holds that people start taking their bodies for granted. They lose appreciation for how well their limbs have functioned for 40-some years. They start complaining about hairlines and waist-sizes as if their body is just some GM car on a recall list. So the universe says “Let’s take away that part for a bit to get the gratitude flowing again.”
Getting use of my right arm back was amazing. I’d forgotten how talented it was. And it’s time to get back to stretching since my toenails are growing quickly once again.
I’ve been staving off injuries by not getting off the couch for many years. It also saves on the medical bills. Well, it does for now!!!!
I’ll bet you were sleeping when it happened. Sleeping is SO dangerous.
Hedge trimmers for toe nails? I think you have something there. What’s next Thomas, the chair that goes up the stairs? 🙂
I always that Stairs Who Cares thing would be great to have if your could attach a beer cooler to it. Sorta a white-trash dumb waiter.
Oh yes, Thomas. A year ago the right side of my neck stopped working. Everywhere I go people say , “well, what did you DO?” Not a damn thing. I hate that those old people were right when they said having your ‘health’ is everything. Damn them.