Dear NSA: No Need To Spy on Me

Once again, we have learned that the NSA has been spying on Americans. The reason for the spying seems to be certain people’s political affiliations and personal associations.  So, just in case the NSA thinks that I would be a good target for surveillance since I look so threatening, I have sent them a letter dictating  my daily activities so they don’t have to take the time to secretly comb through my files.


Dear NSA,

It has come to my attention that your spying antennae are up again. Instead of worrying about being a target of your investigations, I have decided to be proactive and send to you my daily activities so you will know that I am no cause for concern.

Donna Cavanagh’s Daily Routine

5:45 AM : Let my dogs LuLu and Frankie out.  LuLu and Frankie are both licensed and vaccinated as is required by Pennsylvania state law.

5:55 AM: Bring the girls in for treats (both are considered senior dogs so they also get Glucosamine Supplements. These I buy via certified American companies and NEVER through the Canadian pharmacies that offer me huge discounts online.

6:05 AM:  I make my husband a bowl of fruit and give him a container of yogurt and some grapefruit juice to down his daily supplements which again I buy at the holistic wellness store next town over. (For the record, I am not June Cleaver; I just want him to skip donuts)  All the supplements, while not endorsed by the FDA because they hate everything natural (oops, forget I said that, I love the FDA), are legal in every sense of the word legal.

6:15 AM:  I make myself a cup of coffee – that comes from Costco.  There is nothing more American than Costco.

6:33 AM: My husband leaves for work.  The great thing about engineers (he and his carpool buddy) is that they are exact in their exit time.  They leave no later than 6:33 and if his carpool buddy doesn’t show up by 6:35, my husband knows there is no carpool.  I don’t get this. There is no text, no phone call, just the designated “you are too late for carpool” time. Those funny American engineers.

6:34 AM:  I shower and then go out and do poop patrol in my backyard. I take on this activity twice a day. For the record, my dogs do not like to poop outside their yard, so you will not see my poop illegally deposited on anyone’s lawn unlike my neighbors across the street who the Feds really should be spying on.

7 AM-8 AM: I start promoting the HumorOutcasts writers who posted the night before. I get my first legal giggles of the day even though some do live on foreign soil.

Also, I read my emails and delete most of the porn and all the anti-government propaganda emails that are in my inbox.

8 AM to whenever: I turn to editing manuscripts and doing promotion for authors.  (All my authors have the correct IRS forms and status. I am a good American tax-paying citizen so no need to check me out here either.)

Go back to promoting HumorOutcasts writers, authors, etc.  Well, you get the idea.

Check in with my daughter to make sure she got to work; Check in on my parents once a day.  I am a good mother, daughter and loyal American citizen.

1 PM: By now during the day, something has ticked me off.  So, I blow off steam and cuss.  It’s sort of my therapy.  It’s not communist therapy but just good mental health therapy.

1:15 PM:  I feed the girls lunch.  Usually, they get something human to entice them to eat their dry dog food.

1:30 PM:  More HumorOutcasts Promotion, author promotion, Facebook, Stumbleupon, Twitter, etc. etc.

3 PM: Take a break and have a cup of coffee or iced tea and sneak a peek at Criminal Minds re-runs. (This show is about the FBI – see I am patriotic).

3:15 PM: Turn off Criminal Minds because I’m now scared that a serial killer is in my house. I phone my daughter and remind her to use her Pepper Spray for anything.

4 PM: Start to contemplate which stupid healthy dinner I am going to make. Contemplate pizza instead. (Buy pizza only from restaurants that have documented workers)

6 PM: Dinner with the hubby.  He too complains about healthy dinner crap, but we forge on.

7 PM: Second round of poop patrol and then water the gardens which grow only wholesome pro-American vegetables.

8 PM: More promoting of HO writers, authors, etc.

9 PM: Check last of emails and send correspondence back

10 PM: Set up schedule for next day

10:30 PM:   Watch old classics on MeTV  (Watch shows that did not tolerate questioning governmental actions)

11 PM:  Shut down computer.

So, NSA this is sort of my daily schedule. As you can see, I have no time for subversive activity. I hope this takes me off your list as a possible spy target.  Thank you for your time.

Have a wonderful sunny day,

Donna T Cavanagh

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42 thoughts on “Dear NSA: No Need To Spy on Me”

  1. It has to be Frankie and Lulu.

    Any dogs who are capable of writing books are going to arouse automatic suspicion. What kind of secret super-canine genetic experiments are going on in your house? And who taught the two of them to read and write?

  2. You sound way too normal to me Donna. I think you could be an intelligent superior life form from another planet sent here to spy on us inferior earthlings, Klaatu barada nikto, lol!

  3. Dogs are also perfect cover for secret agents. Foreign powers issue agents with doggy suits and order them to live in American houses. Have you checked your doggies for Zip fasteners?

  4. Incidentally, it’s not YOU being monitored, it’s your DOGS. What are their breeds? Are they foreign? Do they bark other languages? They could be doggy insurgents. The NSA needs to know.

  5. Wait, Canadian stores sell discounted drugs to Americans? But here in Canada, we’re constantly bombarded with ads for discounted drugs from U.S. sources! Something is clearly very wrong here. Perhaps the NSA should investigate.

    1. OMG Liv! You win the prize! You are the only one who noticed that which means everyone here commenting just skipped over that little note OR they never delete any of the porn.

      1. What do you do with the porn you don’t delete? If you’re going to have a party, I want an invitation! 😉

  6. Your day sounds a lot like mine when it comes to handling the dogs. And I’m cracking up about your husband’s carpool and 5 minute rule. Why do engingeers have the same kinds of quirks? I wish I was that timely.

    The only thing suspect is watching “Criminal Minds,” since it’s about the FBI. It could be perceived as trying to find out more so you can infiltrate their organization. Stick to “Jersey Shore.”

  7. Somehow I got lost in marveling at how much you do for others and forgot about the government…but I’m sure they didn’t forget about me.

  8. Well, Ms. Cavanagh, you have woven a very intricate and detailed web of lies and deceit. A cover story this thorough could only have been carefully crafted by a highly organized team of instigators, call them a “cell” if you will, hell-bent on the destruction of all that we know and value: a humorless society.

    We are on to you.


    1. Well, NSA join Homeland Security and Dept of Defense who have already peeked onto HO on numerous occasions. It must be the subversive posts we have here. LOL BTW, how come you speak for them Forrest?

    1. This is so true Kymberly! thanks so much reading. I have been the subject of some quick-look throughs by several government organizations but so far, they have deemed me harmless. 🙂

    1. so, does this mean I have to worry about astronauts too Bill Y? Notice I didn’t mention you as the writer on foreign soil? I didn’t want to attract the attention of interpol. God knows what they have on you!

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