Facebook Follies | HumorOutcasts

Facebook Follies

February 20, 2014
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“Hello, my name is Marcia and I’m a facebookaholic.” Yes, I’m coming clean about my addiction. Not a day goes by that I don’t crave a fix in the form of a status update, a handful of “likes”or stalking the pages of my friends. If I go too many hours without a connection, I get fidgety and cranky. My palms sweat if I’m unable to answer my phone when it jangles with a notification from someone commenting on my status. I have nightmares of being lost in a jungle with no WiFi, and I’ve been known to scream at my internet provider during a hurricane if I’m unable to access my online connections.

 

My addiction has disrupted my family life and affected my health. I now suffer from NBS (Numb Butt Syndrome), a direct result of sitting in a chair for hours while trolling through Facebook. Cooking and cleaning have taken a backset to my obsession. My poor family has been forced to survive on frozen dinners that have been sitting in the back of my freezer since 2005. I’m farming dust bunnies under all the beds and my cobweb festooned house closely resembles

Miss Havisham’s home in Dickens’ Great Expectations. My family finally reached a breaking point and staged an intervention after I whipped out my cell phone in the emergency room to check on stats while the doctor stitched up my injured hand.  They sent me to rehab for my addiction and presented me with a “Just Say No To Facebook” t-shirt after I completed the five step program.

 

Sadly, it was all in vain. I could NEVER give up Facebook. It’s my lifeline to a community of friends.  I’m not prepared to sacrifice my voyeuristic peek into the world that Facebook offers. I know what my friends eat, where they go for fun, what their kids are up to, how often their dog poops and where they shop for rash ointment.

The only problem with Facebook is that it has very few guidelines for users to adhere to. You can get away with just about anything you post on your wall. During the election, the political bashing was unconscionable, but I muddled through it in order to read posts from others like me who steered clear of using the site as a political platform for sharing opinions.

Facebook should design a manual that advises against the following:

 

GAME REQUESTS:  There are plenty of addicting games out there that border on being cultish. I avoid them like the plague. The amount of time I spend on the internet is long enough without needing to mainline Candy Crush or ask someone to buy me a pig for my virtual farm.

 

SELFIES:  I enjoy looking at profile pictures, but after awhile the selfies all start looking the same. They’re usually taken at a high angle so that the person in the picture looks like they’ve had a face lift or Botox injections. Okay, so I’m guilty of selfies like this….but so is most of the female population over the age of forty.

 

TOO MUCH INFORMATION:  I don’t need to know that the Burrito Supreme you just inhaled at Taco Hell is making you poop out a tri-colored bean piñata.

 

 

PHOTO TAGGING:  REAL friends do not tag you in unflattering pictures. It defeats the purpose of all your selfies. Nothing is worse than strolling through Lowe’s to check out the sprinkler head assortment while someone is out there tagging you in a picture from last year’s holiday office party. You know the one—-it’s that pesky photo of you when you were drunk and riding on the shoulder’s of one of your coworkers….with an alligator snout on your face.

 

FAMILY DRAMA:  I don’t want to read Act Three of your family argument over the cousin who slept with your sister’s boyfriend, or the in-law who swears he didn’t father your neighbor’s new baby. If you want the whole world in on your drama, apply for a guest spot on The Jerry Springer Show.

 

HEALTH ISSUES:  It’s not necessary to share the details of your uncle’s testicular problems or your recent bout with a bladder infection. If you’re seriously depressed, share it privately with your closest friends or seek professional help rather than cause alarm among the hundred or so people who follow your status updates. Unless you’re hoping your friends send you sympathy chocolate… in that case, it just might be worth a large box of Godivas.

 

VACATION PICTURES:  Although I am happy for friends fortunate enough to be able to afford a little R&R, I’m also a tad bit jealous. While they’re sipping wine at an outdoor cafe in the south of France, I’m vacuuming up dog hair clots and scooping Tootsie Rolls out of the cat’s litter box.

 

So why, if I have all of these complaints, am I still addicted to Facebook? In a nutshell: FRIENDS. We share funny jokes and memes, support one another through the tough times and celebrate our victories together. I can connect with people I haven’t seen since grade school on the internet while still in pajamas and curlers in my hair. It’s like one big online reunion minus the pricey reservations or stress over what makeup and clothing will shave ten years off my appearance. They have my selfies for that. In the meantime, I’ll be the disheveled woman behind the computer in a bathrobe fuzzy with dog hair and toast crumbs in her lap.

 

 

 

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, "Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane" and the voice behind the midlife blog , Menopausal Mother. Her work has been featured on The Washington Post, Good Housekeeping, Cosmopolitan, Woman's Day, House Beautiful, Country Living, Hello Giggles, Ravishly, Purple Clover, Scary Mommy, and The Huffington Post, among others.

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19 Responses to Facebook Follies

  1. February 21, 2014 at 10:18 am

    I’ve come to a point where I have to turn FB off and walk away (surf away?) I used to keep the tab open AND have a Google Chrome app to notify me of incoming updates because I couldn’t stand to think I was missing something . . . but when I’m checking everyone there’s an update it starts to interfere with work and my productivity.

    Now I treat my addiction as a special treat. For every Xamount of articles I write or Xamount of time “at work” I am rewarded with time on FB. I have to be strict with myself, I’m ONLY there to check updates and return comments. . .

    (Never works)

  2. February 20, 2014 at 9:44 pm

    Always enjoy your sense of humor. I was more addicted when facebook first started. I try to limit myself, although sometimes it can be difficult. I usually check in 3-4 days a week and the others I’m usually blog hopping around.
    Barbara @ http://www.allmylivesnow.com

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:46 pm

      You are much better than me! I can’t go an entire day without Facebook! I never have. Oh, the horror!!

  3. February 20, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    I’m pretty much addicted to FB, Twitter and my blog! I’m always on FB, too. I’m on and off all day and night. Fun post!

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      Thanks, Claudia! That’s the crazy thing about Facebook—I feel like I have to “check in” with everyone every few hours—like I’m afraid I’m going to miss out on something fun. Feels a little bit like my high school days….

  4. February 20, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    I share your dislike of some behaviors on Facebook (although I am probably guilty of a couple myself!)

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:43 pm

      I think we’re ALL guilty of MANY of these things….shhhh…did I just admit something else here?

  5. February 20, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    I’m not sure about this but I think if you have this addiction you can go to that Malibu place that is advertised on TV to detox. It has a spa and infinity pool and massage and mud baths. I was thinking of getting hooked on something just to vacation there.

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:42 pm

      Ohhhh that sounds divine….but knowing me I’ll find something else to get addicted to while I’m there—like daily mud baths and long naps…..

  6. February 20, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    I love this Marcia!

    I’m not a Facebookaholic but I do suffer from NBS from sitting in front of my computer most of the day :).

    I love these “should-be” guidelines and I agree with them. I couldn’t help but laugh at the Selfie one, that is true!

    Definitely sharing!

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      You are AWESOME, Corina! Thanks for the kind words and for sharing!

  7. February 20, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Yup – I totally got NBS, but still worth it. Just started exercising (yes I am at day 2 so anything can happen) to try to relieve the problem. Either way I can’t walk away from it – Facebook, not the exercise.

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:39 pm

      Hahahaha! YES! Exercise is MUCH easier to walk away from than Facebook!

  8. February 20, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Facebook DOES work to keep you connected to friends and family. Google+ just doesn’t do it for me! I can relate to all of your issues. Although my wife looks at FaceBook, too, she LIVES on Pinterest!

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:38 pm

      I agree with you, Mike. I prefer Facebook over all the other social media outlets. I don’t even want to try instagram!!

  9. February 20, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Marcia, you always have a knack for saying what I’m thinking but in a much more entertaining way.

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:37 pm

      Awwww….thank you so much, Sharon. That means a lot to me!

  10. Kat
    February 20, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Purrfect description and fits me to a T.

    • February 20, 2014 at 10:36 pm

      I think a LOT of us here can say that……LOL!



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