The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2014
I don’t understand unhappy adults. It’s like they don’t know they can buy alcohol anytime they want.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2014
Single women aren’t drawn to cats. Cats are drawn to crazy.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2014
Boss: Your cubicle is a mess. It looks like you keep chickens in here. Me: Haha, that’s a good one, sir. Desk drawer: *chicken noises*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 19, 2014
Me: If we turn up the thermostat, I won’t need pants. Wife: You’re an idiot. She didn’t even consider how much time she’d save on laundry.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2014