Me: I fixed our daughter’s hair. Wife: That’s not a barrette. It’s a chip clip. Women are so picky.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
My 1-year-old wants to be a mermaid when she grows up. I’m OK with that. Swimming lessons are cheaper than college.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
My wife’s O-face is a yawn followed by “Are you done yet?”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
Wife: Why are you wearing all black? Me: I’m in mourning. W: For fuck’s sake, get over it. M: Those were my Oreos! I married a monster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
“Peter Pan” is my favorite fairy tale about an emotionally-stunted man-child who steals kids through open windows.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2014
