Me:*sings* How’d I sound? Wife: Like a cat in a wood chipper I’d be insulted but I’m more concerned w/ how she knows what that sounds like
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014
An Illinois family shoplifted over $7 million in merchandise. There’s no word on how they stole all 3 organic tomatoes from Whole Foods.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014
Me: *walks up behind wife* Wife: What do you want? Me: Merely to spend time with you Wife: Put away your penis Somehow she always knows.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014
3-year-old: *drops toy on the car floor* Can you reach it? Me: Only if my arm is 9 feet long & bends in 4 places. 3: M: 3: M: 3: Well?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014
3-year-old: Roll down my window Me: It’s 10 degrees out 3: DADDY! M:*rolls it down * 3: I’m cold It’s almost like there’s a connection.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 8, 2014