3-year-old: Can I play outside? Me: Do I have to go out there with you? 3: Yeah! Me: Just watch the outdoors on TV.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2014
I wish the zombie apocalypse would hurry up and get here. I really need an excuse to barricade myself inside a liquor store.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2014
Wife: You said you’d do more for charity Me: Oh, I thought you said “chair titty” W: That doesn’t even make sense M: *hides boob chair*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2014
It was rude of me to judge you by your looks. Next time I’ll judge you by your shitty personality instead.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2014
Me: I hate this room. It’s bright & hot & the walls are too far away. Wife: We’re outside. Me: Fuck this place. *hides in a blanket fort*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 29, 2014
Blanket forts are fun.