Married men would be awesome at Jeopardy if they had to phrase their answers in the form of an apology.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014
Me: You can wear your purple coat. 1-year-old: *does a happy dance* *falls over* *cries* Childhood is an emotional roller coaster.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014
Wife: Do you think we’re soul mates? Me: Yes, this marriage definitely feels like prison. Wife: Me: Oh, I thought you said, “cell mates.”
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2014
When I say, “We need to hurry,” what my 1-year-old hears is “Please lose one shoe and poop through all your clothes.” So, yes, I’ll be late.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014
Me: I don’t have female friends for the sake of our marriage Wife: You don’t have any male friends, either I’m too tempting to both sexes
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2014