4-year-old: Are you smart? Me: Yes 4: Why did Mom say you’re not? Me: She didn’t like me cooking popcorn in the dryer as much as you did.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2014
Me: I wear the pants in this family. 4-year-old: Those are shorts. Me: No, it means I’m in charge. 4: Is it because you have ugly legs?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2014
It’s easy to make a woman scream my name. I’m married. All I have to do is fuck up.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2014
Me: Those crackers are stale. Throw them away. 4-year-old: But what if we find a parrot? Me: 4: Me: *keeps the crackers*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2014
4-year-old: Can I touch your hair? Me: OK… Does it feel nice? 4: I don’t know. I just needed someplace to wipe off my finger paint.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2014
From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/2/14: pic.twitter.com/mawrEu5CCI
— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 23, 2014