Unicorn Bites #519

Me: Don’t drink soap! 4-year-old: But I want to fart bubbles. Who am I to stifle her dreams?

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 5, 2014

4-year-old: Why’s he holding up his thumb? Me: He’s hitchhiking 4: What? Me: It’s a free taxi service for people who want to get murdered

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014

4-year-old daughter: I want to be Elsa from frozen! Me: For Halloween? 4: For a job when I grow up.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014

My résumé is a blank page with one line that says “I can eat a shit-ton of tacos.” No job offers yet. I should probably put my name on it.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014

Me: Why do you put ketchup on everything? Does it really taste that good? 4-year-old: No. Your cooking tastes that bad. Touché.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 4, 2014

From http://t.co/HTDVyr8D7T 3/6/14: pic.twitter.com/L8q9yXnWbT

— James Breakwell (@James_Breakwell) August 27, 2014