My kids’ favorite magic trick is the one where they make my patience disappear.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2014
I got glitter on my skin from my daughter’s art project and now all I want to do is change my name to Mercedes and grind on a pole.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2014
I’m not ignoring you. I’m pretending you’re dead. That’s completely different.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2014
“Did you try putting cheese on it?”—my solution to every problem
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 22, 2014
Yoga pants: for when you’ve given up on life but are still in good shape
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 23, 2014
